why do celebs start djing after a breakup?

a theory, explored

Photo by Rob Kim/Getty Images

Immediately following a breakup, celebrities will try to become DJs. What began weeks ago as conjecture and wild speculation—prompted by the recent announcement that the newly single Bjork has become a DJ—is now an irrefutable (or, highly refutable) fact: After a split, a star can only begin to heal after he or she has booked their first residency at 1 Oak or a struggling hotel/casino/club. This is not an article outlining which celebrities spin, as that information is splattered all over the Internet. Instead we’re here to discuss THAT MOMENT when the impulse strikes a particular star. Is it when he/she is happiest? As it turns out, no, DJing happens to celebrities only when they are so sad and heartbroken. The exact reason why spinning has become the panacea for a broken heart remains unknown, but it probably has something to do with alcohol, nightclubs, MDMA, and everyone’s attention.

Now, a small disclaimer about the veracity of this article: It is nearly impossible to peg down the moment a celebrity starts DJing (trust me). For some, like Elijah Wood or Idris Elba, spinning has been in them ever since puberty; while for others, like Kirstie Alley or Kim Kardashian, are not so much DJs as they are people who’ve posed with half-cocked Beats by Dre headphones on. We’ve pieced together these DJing start dates by searching Google for the terms “debut” and “…started DJing” (naturally), then built a timeline from there. 

A second disclaimer: As is the case in astrophysics, verifying the exact moment a star splits is extremely difficult. For this we’ve enlisted the help of Famousfix.com and their highly respected (moderately, at best) column Who’s Dating Who? This is not an exact science, unfortunately, but we’re doing God’s work here. So now, TREND ALERT: Celebrities who’ve turned to turntables to cure their heartache, ahead.