the functionality of disney relationships, ranked

on a scale of kingdom hearts

Photos via Disney

Everyone likes to say that Disney gives young girls unrealistic ideas about love: Mainly, that there’s a Prince Charming out there for everyone. 

But if you think about it, that’s totally true. Prince Charming is a flaky foot fetishist who kisses comatose women. If anything, the Mouse House over-prepares our girl-children for the worst nightmares the dating world has to offer. Disney’s suite of classic animated films does have a few functional relationships, but far more dysfunctional ones. 

Here’s a totally objective ranking of the studio’s romantic pairings, from least to most functional. (Of course, the Disney couple missing from this list is also the only one destined to last forever: Walt Disney’s Frozen Body and Walt Disney’s Anti-Semitism. Now that’s a match made in heaven.)