The internet is filled with a variety of personality tests, but there is perhaps no better way to know who a person is than by finding out what they eat. (Or, you know, drink.) And while we totally understand that there are people in the world who can be divided up into categories like "meat and potatoes" or "macro-hippies" or what have you, we're going to get down to the fundamentals of consumption-as-personality indicator here. In other words, we're going to tell you who you are based on what your favorite Trader Joe's snack food is.
As pretty much everyone lucky enough to live near a TJ's knows, the store's snacking game is ideal. Whether you've got a sweet or savory tooth, the store has you covered in a wide variety of ways. Of course, affinity for certain of TJ's house brand treats goes beyond whether or not you want a sugar rush or a salt lick; there're so many different snacking options, in fact, that you can pretty much break them down by personality. Here then, are some of our favorite Trader Joe's snacks and a comprehensive guide to what liking them says about you.
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Peanut Butter-Filled Pretzels You lead a well-balanced life. You may or may not describe yourself as someone who "works hard and plays hard" and hopefully, like, you don't use those words exactly (because, ew), but the sentiment behind them still applies. Even your indulgences are good for you, like in the way that peanut butter is super high in protein and "good" fats. You're a fan of mash-ups in all areas of your life, including ones that don't even make that much sense, like the new Maroon 5 and Kendrick Lamar collab. What??
Dark Chocolate Almonds In your kitchen spice cabinet, you have at least five different types of salt. Also, you, like, have a kitchen spice cabinet. For most people, a spice rack will suffice. For some people, just salt and pepper will do. But not for you. It's not just that you like the finer things in life, you like the finest. And these sweet and salty treats are certainly in that category. Your guiltiest secret is that you actually like white chocolate. Shhh.
Jalapeño-Stuffed Olives Simply put: You are a demon angel who just so happens to walk on earth. You like to feel things when you're doing, well, everything, and snacking is no exception. What fun, after all, is life if it doesn't have a little bit of a burn attached to it?
Chile-Spiced Mango You always regret not buying fresh mango coated in chile dust outside the subway station when you're on your way home from work because it looks so good! But you can't actually imagine eating it on the subway. And so you satisfy yourself with similar flavors in a candy-esque form. You love them, but you know they're no exactly what you want. You just hope eventually that they'll become what you want. We're not just talking about the snacks anymore, are we?
Trader Joe's Contemplates Inner Peas Names don't really matter much to you. They can't, or you wouldn't enjoy this incredibly delicious dehydrated pea snack so much would you? The point is, you go beyond the surface. You're into depth. But you also really like the sound of crunching on crunchy snacks. Nothing beats that sound.
Bacon-Wrapped Scallops Well, aren't you fancy? Eh, sure. Like, you are fancy. But not in a diamond necklace kind of a way. More in a really tight leather collar kind of a way. And maybe a matching mask. For going out.
Milk Chocolate Smashing S'mores Your happiest times in life were spent at summer camp. If only you could recreate those memories in any meaningful way. Instead, you just wind up group texting each other a bunch, making plans that go exactly nowhere. Mostly, you eat these S'mores at home in bed at night—alone.
Speculoos Cookie Butter Snacking means something different to you than it does to other people. To other people, it involves using their hands and just casually popping morsels of food into their mouth. Not you. You think snacking should involve a spoon, and probably take place while standing up over your kitchen sink. You used to hide under your bed a lot as a child. But now, you're a really outgoing adult who really hates clowns. This makes sense. Clowns are bad. Cookie butter is good.
Raisin Rosemary Crisps You practice self-deprivation for fun. You mistake it for actual fun. Your favorite color is "greige."
Beef Taquitos You have a hard time differentiating between what a "snack" is and what a "meal" is. But otherwise, you're aces.
Chocolatey Cats You like cats more than you like things that actually taste good. Hmmm.
Chocolatey Coated Chocolate Chip Dunkers You wear coconut body lotion and think there's no better smell in this world than sunscreen. You have no problem with the fact that the word "chocolatey" here could be replaced by "chocolate" and make more sense, maybe. You are not simple, per se, but you like the simple things when they are done right. This is an asset. It has served you well in your life. You live in comfort, and your vacation Instagrams are the envy of all who know you.
Triple Ginger Snaps What kind of person are you who likes these best? A person with taste buds which are in excellent working order, that's who. Also, you live in the suburbs, or have lived in the suburbs, or want to live in the suburbs, or will probably move to the suburbs soon. You know what does and doesn't qualify as upstate New York. You call the Hamptons, "out East." You'd never call the West Coast the Best Coast, even though you secretly wouldn't mind not dealing with another winter. At one point, you've done something memorable in a Volvo.
Partially Popped Popcorn with Butter and Sea Salt You think of cooking as a science and approach it that way. You think of most things as science and approach them that way. Are you Bill Nye? Or Neil deGrasse Tyson? You might be. You definitely wouldn't mind being them, that's for sure.
Thai Lime and Chili Cashews You don't require your snack food to be what makes you happy, but you like when it does. And it's hard not to feel happy when eating these. They fill your mouth with happiness or some equivalent sensation. You're not afraid to take happiness or some equivalent sensation where you can get it. You can easily recall all the times when you were miserably staring out a window or at a person you hated and ate these cashews, and it made everything, temporarily, better. Also, you're very generous and like to share. You're alright.