I'm Not Rich Enough To Have Sex Like Gwyneth Paltrow


Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images for LACMA

Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle brand, goop, isn't known for being particularly scrappy. Currently, it's promoting a $100 moisturizer and a $140 night cream. So as my mouse hovered over this week's newsletter in my inbox, ideas of what high-class, ultra healthy content goop's "sex issue" was publishing, washed over me. Does goop approve of dental dams? Are the materials that go into making condoms okay? Will she talk about kinks, the Mile High club, and/or the back door? 

The answers, as it would turn out, were hidden in tasteful interviews as long as the foreplay the experts suggested goop's readers should try. (Read: very long.) Condoms also contain dairy, but that's just a fun fact you can bring to happy hour. Though the interviews with naturopathic doctors, psychologists, and the creators of a pelvic floor strengthener (tech!) are enlightening and filled with actually practical tips, goop's sex toy gift list is a whole new echelon of luxe. (Lux Fux? Trend it!) It's no secret goop isn't for everyone, but damn, Gwyneth! How am I supposed to live that #authentic #whole life when I'm out $15K because of a golden vibrator I felt pressured into buying? In the world of growers vs. showers, my bank account will have to be a grower if I'm ever going to be a shower—i.e. have gold-plated, goop-approved sex. The proof is in the pudding below.