Illuminati Conspiracy Theory - American Music Awards 2014

Ah, the weird world of the wide web, where anyone with a data connection can suddenly find some pulpit to speak. Today, we stumbled over a video from Illuminati watchman Mark Dice (yes, illuminati watchpeople are things that exist) pointing out how the illuminati and its cadre of Satanists are running Hollywood. (Not to split hairs here, but isn't the Illuminati technically masonic? Does anyone actually know what the Illuminati is? Secondly, can anyone tell us how to join it? It looks really fun.) Aside from the totally racist and sexist language, the video is chock-full of rhyming plays on words and derogatory names for basically everyone who performed last night. Dice's evidence is also not-so rock solid, citing that illuminati pawn Kate Beckinsale helped shove her Satanic ideology down our throats with a snake necklace.

Dude, not to do your job for you, but there are 100 other things you could call out as Illuminati that are way more convincing/conspiracy-theory-ready. Here, let us teach you: 1) Taylor Swift paraded around on stage with guys inside of gilded picture frames, reminding us that the wealthy Illuminati is all-seeing and watching our every move. 2) Did you count how many V-necks there were? Many, many V-necks, and we all know that triangles are the sign of the Illuminati. They were physically wearing the Illuminati on their chests...Heck, even the AMA award is a triangle. No brainer! 3) Everyone knows that the illuminati is run by Jay-Z and Beyoncé. Were they even there? No. Reason being? The AMAs are a requisite "try-out" for new recruits, and the masters sit in their lairs, drumming their fingers together a la Mr. Burns, saying, "Yes. Yeeees. We are pleased." 

See, we are already better conspiracy theorists than Mark "No Dice" Dice. (We made a pun, too!) 

Thank goodness for the internet, right? Yeesh.