You don’t have to know anything about astrology to know this: Scorpios are totally crazy. Being a Scorpio should even, it’s been said, be illegal. I’m not going to dispute this total truth, because every time I try to think of a Scorpio who isn’t a devious mastermind (like, for example, my 96-year-old grandma), I then remember that all Scorpios actually are the devil (e.g. the way my grandma laughs and shows no mercy when she sends my pawns home during one of our intense Parcheesi battles). But as bad as Scorpios are (which, I reiterate: bad), there’s another zodiac sign that is actually responsible for most of the world’s problems, and buckle up because we’ve just entered its season. I’m talking, of course, about Gemini, the low-key psychopath of the zodiac.
Here’s the thing about Geminis: They 100 percent think they’re better than everyone else, and the problem with that is it’s usually true. Let me list some famous Geminis for you: Marilyn Monroe, Angelina Jolie, Kanye West, Morgan Freeman, John F. Kennedy, Natalie Portman, Tupac Shakur, Nicole Kidman, Naomi Campbell, Prince, Che Guevara, Beyoncé’s twins. Whom among these people is not better than you? They are all better than you. The only surprising thing on that list is that Muhammed Ali is not on it. But he must have Gemini as his rising sign, or else astrology would make no sense.
The people on that list share something else besides being better than you: They are all actual icons. A Gemini is the kind of person who inspires cultish devotion. A Gemini is the kind of person whose words are widely quoted around the world, decades after their deaths. A Gemini is the kind of person whose magnetism is so intensely strong that quotes that they never even said are attributed to them because the words get even more powerful when they are connected to a Gemini. A Gemini is someone whose every move is documented and whose every gesture is memorized by your literal soul because you need Geminis in this world to prove life is worth living. Geminis are proof that humans are good, and also terrible. It is no coincidence that Gemini is represented by the Twins, actual people. Geminis aren’t crabs or goats or, like, scales. Geminis are one of the few signs represented by people, and since the others are Sagittarius and Virgo, and those are a centaur and a virgin, it is really Gemini who bears the mantle of being the most human of the astrological signs. And humans are both good and terrible, so it makes sense that Geminis are that, too.
Geminis are mostly very beautiful all over, and that’s nice and everything, but if you want to recognize a Gemini because of their physicality, you can do it through two of their feature: their hands and their mouth. This is where a Gemini really shines because these are the bodily attributes through which we communicate, and all Geminis are trying to do is communicate with you all the time. It’s their thing. What are they trying to say? That they’re better than you and also probably you should do what they say unless you want them to get bored with you.
And ohmygod, this is the thing with Geminis: They will get bored with you. They can’t help it, but they will. This is not your fault, not exactly. Geminis just get bored of everything after a while. Even Brad Pitt. It’s not Pitt’s fault, per se. He can’t help being a sweet, puppy dog of a Sagittarius. Just like Jolie can’t help drinking blood for fun. It’s just the way of the world.
If a Gemini were a flower, it would be a rose. Obviously. Has there ever been anything more obvious? That’s actually a quality that Geminis share with roses: They’re obvious. They’re in your face, they’re impossible to ignore. They can best be described as being “heady.” Actually, let’s think about that word, “heady.” What a fucking word to describe a Gemini. Geminis are, after all, always in their heads. It’s like, if a Gemini were a song lyric, it would be that one from Fiona Apple’s “Paper Bag,” the one where she sings, “He said/ ‘It’s all in your head,’ and I said, ‘So’s everything’/ But he didn’t get it.” Geminis get it. Everything is in their head, and their heads are capable of just about anything. If a Gemini thinks it, rest assured it will come true.
You’d guess, then, for people who are so deeply in their own heads, that Geminis would be a little more intuitive, wouldn’t you? You’d be so, so wrong. Geminis are too deeply enthralled with what’s in their own heads to even be the slightest bit interested in what’s going on in yours. This, then, is what makes them psychopaths. They will fight you about anything and argue for fucking ever because they are always sure that they’re right; there’s no other possibility because if it’s something that’s in their head, then it’s true. Geminis are usually good at math because they kill it during the tautology unit in pre-calculus. Geminis are also good at music; it just makes sense to them. To a Gemini, everything is about solving problems and then moving on. What does this have to do with you? Everything. To a Gemini, you’re just another problem.
Back to roses, though, because the thing about headiness, is that a Gemini, too, will overpower you naturally, with their scent, with their inherent appeal, with their softness hiding their thorns. And then they’ll make you bleed.
If a Gemini were an animal, it would be a cat because, like a cat, a Gemini is always beautifully bored. A Gemini would be happy lying around all day, licking itself, leaving the house only to kill something just for fun. A Gemini could be a bird, but not a songbird. It would be a raptor. If an animal is a Gemini, it has to have claws.
If a Gemini were a fabric, it would be suede, because suede is a bitch to take care of.
If a Gemini were a weather system, it would be a thunderstorm on a super hot day, one of those days when the light is green and you almost need gills to breathe the air outside.
If Gemini were a color, it would be silver; and if it were an element, it would be mercury. And if you can’t figure out why, I’m not going to help you.
If a Gemini were a character in Game of Thrones, it would be a Targaryen. It would be all the Targaryens, the crazy and the messianic ones. A Gemini would mostly be Daenerys though because she was born to rule and she clearly means well but she also really wants no counsel other than her own. Luckily, she’s almost always right about everything.
If a Gemini were a perfume, it would be this new Goop perfume, the one that smells like shiso and having sex in the woods during a rainstorm. And a Gemini wouldn’t even care that Gwyneth Paltrow made that perfume because Geminis know that if they like something, it’s worth liking. Alternately, a Gemini would wear Egyptian musk oil, the kind you can buy on the sidewalks of New York City, from vendors that also sell incense.
If a Gemini were a song, it would be by Lana Del Rey, and it would be “Freak.” Lana Del Rey, you might be thinking, She must be a Gemini. Well, you’re right, and you’re wrong, because she’s a Gemini-Cancer cusp, and those people are a whole other problem that we don’t have time for right now. (Just kidding, I’ll get back to them soon.)
Maybe, at this point you’re thinking, Wow, Geminis actually aren’t that bad. They sound sort of cool. Well, you’re right, and you’re wrong, because lots of Geminis aren’t that bad, and lots of Geminis are sort of cool. How do I know this? Because I am a Gemini.
First off, like, of course, I am. Do you think anyone other than a Gemini would delight so much in writing about how Geminis are such psychopaths? But not just any psychopath, like, highly desirable psychopaths, the human equivalent of soft and beautiful suede? No, only a Gemini would do that. Well, actually, no: Only a Gemini-Cancer cusp, which is what I actually am, would do that. (And before you ask, no, I am not going to ever write about any other zodiac sign other than Gemini because, like a true Gem, I don’t care about any others. This is it.)
Here is a fun and cool thing about me and Lana Del Rey: We both manage to drop the fact in casual conversation (i.e. magazine interviews) that we were born on the summer solstice, the “Day of Worldly Rapture.” Literally who else talks about this kind of thing other than total psychopaths like me and Lana and other summer solstice babies? Literally nobody. And only a Gemini-Cancer cusp like Del Rey would sing about what a freak she is, and how she fucked her way to the top, and how she’s a “Brooklyn baby.” Can someone other than Del Rey get away with any of those things? No, no, they can’t. But the reason why she can do that is because she has the plausible deniability of being a Cancer, too, and being in touch with her emotions. Plus, she can cry on fucking cue, if needed. But secretly? She delights in being provocative and aggressively bored and wanting to die. Wanting to die is such a summer solstice baby thing to want! Just like Geminis are low-key psychopaths, summer is the low-key season of death, of stagnation, of rapture. It’s so... Lana. But also, so is love, which is now Lana’s thing. That’s the Cancer in her coming out, the part of her that has actual feelings. Did you know Cancer’s astrological symbol is a horizontal 69? It represents the connection between the material and spiritual world. Nice.
But so back to Gemini, because there’s someone else we need to talk about here, and that someone is Donald Trump, who is like such a Gemini that he actually almost isn’t a Gemini, even though he’s the most Gemini ever. Like, you know, everything I said about how Geminis are notable for their beautiful hands and mouths? Well, sorry for making you do this, but think about those of Trump for a second. Shudder, right? He’s notable for those features, but not because they’re beautiful, but rather because they’re grotesqueries—tiny, worm-like grotesqueries. And Trump is someone who is all in his head too, someone who can manifest things—seemingly impossible things!—into reality in such a way that you suddenly realize, Oh, shit, this is just his world, and we are living in it. He could literally shoot people on Fifth Avenue, and nothing would happen.
And here’s the thing: Of course he can, because he is a Gemini. Donald Trump is the ur-Gemini, and he is proof that even Scorpios (including, let’s not forget, one Hillary Clinton) cannot stand up to the true psychopathy of a Gemini. Because a Gemini will use their considerable rhetorical powers to make everyone get the fuck out of their way. There will always be those among us who don’t believe what a Gemini is selling, but it won’t matter. Like, even if the majority of people don’t believe a Gemini’s bullshit, it still doesn’t matter because of how completely a Gemini believes their own. So they will still get their way. Like Trump did, and will continue to. Until, you know, he won’t.
Because here’s the thing: Pretty much all Geminis wind up eventually falling from whatever lofty positions they attain. They can’t help it. Icarus was, no doubt, a Gemini. But it all makes sense, really, since pride goes before a fall, and no sign has more pride than a Gemini. (If you’re thinking, What about Leo? trust me when I say, no, Leos have nothing on Geminis). Being a Gemini means thinking you’re smarter than everyone, quicker, too; you operate on an astral plane, you’re closer to the sun than anyone’s ever been before or since; you’re better than fire because you feed the fire. But eventually, Geminis fly too close to the sun, and they fall, writhing in fear and panic into the sea. This is the best thing we can hope for with Trump, that he will fall and get swallowed up in the great, teeming ocean below. (Is it a mere coincidence that the U.S. itself is the mother of all water signs, a Cancer? Yes, probably.)
But just because Trump, like all high-flying Geminis, is bound to fail sooner or later, that doesn’t mean you should feel too safe about the future of our country just yet. Because you know who else is a Gemini? Mike Pence.
Thankfully, Beyoncé’s twins are coming to save us all any day now.