illustrations by liz riccardi

Are These The Most Horrifying Holiday Stories, Or What?

honestly, who throws a blender?

No holiday season is perfect. Hollywood lies to us and we’re pretty much S.O.L. when it comes to having a white Christmas this year. (Thanks, global warming!) But as we all know, the amount of snow does not directly relate to how much fun we have during this season of giving. It’s about those tried and true traditions of family, friends, a few drinks, and all the bickering that comes along with it. Consider yourself lucky if you’ve never had a nightmarish holiday. The following collection of real-life scenarios make Home Alone look like a joyride. (Wasn’t it, though?) From blender throwing to the accidental outing of a gay nephew, these are the stories Hollywood should be picking up and devoting some time to. A dark humor holiday movie goes a long way, after all. Ho ho ho, or something like that!

The difference between my mom's side of the family and my dad's is like night and day. The former is loud and thrives on bathroom humor; the latter tends to keep to themselves and have nice, cordial dinners, but there's always alcohol. So, one year, when I was young enough to know what being in the closet meant and that I was, like, definitely in the closet, I decided to wear this nice, cable knit sweater my aunt had got me. Unbeknownst to me, she saw that sweater as a sweater for "stylish" boys, which apparently meant "gay." Well, after a few too many drinks, she started to say to me, "I think I speak for everyone here that we will love you no matter what and who you are." I shrink into my sweater, embarrassed, say thanks, and after a few moments of silence, my parents ask me to leave the room. There was an argument with phrases like How dare you put our son in that position thrown around and even my grandmother, who always seemed conservative, called my aunt out on her rudeness. We left the house soon after and my aunt stopped talking to us and sending me and my sister gifts for over a decade. Hey, at least I knew that when I eventually did come out, my family was going to be supportive. — H.