No holiday season is perfect. Hollywood lies to us and we’re pretty much S.O.L. when it comes to having a white Christmas this year. (Thanks, global warming!) But as we all know, the amount of snow does not directly relate to how much fun we have during this season of giving. It’s about those tried and true traditions of family, friends, a few drinks, and all the bickering that comes along with it. Consider yourself lucky if you’ve never had a nightmarish holiday. The following collection of real-life scenarios make Home Alone look like a joyride. (Wasn’t it, though?) From blender throwing to the accidental outing of a gay nephew, these are the stories Hollywood should be picking up and devoting some time to. A dark humor holiday movie goes a long way, after all. Ho ho ho, or something like that!
Are These The Most Horrifying Holiday Stories, Or What?
honestly, who throws a blender?
illustrations by liz riccardi
The difference between my mom’s side of the family and my dad’s is like night and day. The former is loud and thrives on bathroom humor; the latter tends to keep to themselves and have nice, cordial dinners, but there’s always alcohol. So, one year, when I was young enough to know what being in the closet meant and that I was, like, definitely in the closet, I decided to wear this nice, cable knit sweater my aunt had got me. Unbeknownst to me, she saw that sweater as a sweater for “stylish” boys, which apparently meant “gay.” Well, after a few too many drinks, she started to say to me, “I think I speak for everyone here that we will love you no matter what and who you are.” I shrink into my sweater, embarrassed, say thanks, and after a few moments of silence, my parents ask me to leave the room. There was an argument with phrases like How dare you put our son in that position thrown around and even my grandmother, who always seemed conservative, called my aunt out on her rudeness. We left the house soon after and my aunt stopped talking to us and sending me and my sister gifts for over a decade. Hey, at least I knew that when I eventually did come out, my family was going to be supportive. — H.
My mother and I got in a blowout fight on Christmas Eve about whether blowjobs were demeaning. She thought yes. Not only was arguing about blowjobs with my mom awkward, my father sat in the La-Z-Boy the whole time, silently. — T.
The first sign a holiday horror story is about to happen: one year, instead of a trip to grandma’s—which is stressful on its own—my family decided to do something special for Christmas. So, we rented a house in Florida and carted down seven first cousins, three parents, and one grandparent. The second sign that a holiday horror story is about to happen is when one of your cousins has a night terror the first night. (It really sets the tone for the entire trip.) I also just happen to have a sister who comes off as a little bit, erm, unhinged. She’s a bit of a wild child, with a temper, and REALLY doesn’t get along with my other sister. Well, one thing led to another and Black Sheep Sister snapped (or as we call it, went to her dark place) and decided my other sister was enemy #1. Things went from simply being angry with a lot of yelling to physical altercations. The word “crazy” may have been used by sister #2 and a blender may or may not have been thrown at her by Black Sheep Sister. After that, Black Sheep Sister claimed she had a friend in the area (note: we are not from Florida) and walked out of the house. No idea where she went other than that she got on a plane back home that day. Merry Christmas? — M.
Last year, my dad got into a really bad accident so he was in the hospital for most of December. It happened during final exams, so I had to get extensions on everything so I could come back home. Obviously with all that going on, I didn’t even care about celebrating Christmas, I just wanted my dad home for the holidays. It was my most depressing Christmas, yet. — S.