Look, we’re sure that Rachel Dolezal think piece you’ve been contemplating writing might really add something to the national conversation that has been happening ad nauseum. But before you start writing it, consider all the other things you could do with your time, like...
1. Finish that Caitlyn Jenner think piece you were working on. Your editor wants it, and it’s already days late.2. Call your parents, confirm you share the same DNA.
3. Change the Arm & Hammer in your fridge.4. Have your condoms expired? They’ve probably expired. Get new condoms. You’ll thank me later.5. Quietly reflect on the complexity and intangibility, yet real-world implications and associations, of the racial make-up of America. To yourself, that is.6. Go see The Wolfpack—it’s pretty good.
7. Read Invisible Man. You’ve been telling people you’ve read it for years. Might as well actually do it.
8. Learn how to make your own French fries. It’s surprisingly easy and your guests will be impressed.
9. Have you heard of Arthur Lee’s Love? No? Check ’em out.
10. There’s an entire season of OITNB available for watching right now! Just imagine the think pieces you could write off that.
11. Update your LinkedIn profile. You never know what could happen.12. Life insurance. Do you have life insurance? Do you even know? Check on that.13. Exercise. It’s good for you.14. Do you have a garden? If so, go garden. You have no idea how lucky you are. I, for one, do not have a garden. So feel good about that.15. Hit Google to see which of your elementary school teachers are still alive.16. Are you running low on toothpaste? You always let your toothpaste run out before you replace it, which is totally preventable. Actually, just go buy toothpaste—there’s no way you could regret that.
17. Call your parents again to explain the DNA thing. Apologizing would be good, too.18. Speaking of which, have you shopped for Father’s Day? Time’s a’ wasting.19. Go to your local zoo. Sure, caging animals is a sin, but it’s doubtful Rachel Dolezal will be there.20. Write that Tidal think piece you wanted to do. Now, that’s interesting!