Life

A Guide To The Best Astrologists On The Internet

A gateway to a dope life

Tomorrow, Saturday, March 19, is International Astrology Day, the first day of the Western astrological calendar, when the mighty Sun enters the first zodiac sign, baby Aries. In honor of this lovely absurdity, I thought to share a selection of my favorite online astrological resources. A studious (Sun and Mars) Virgoan mixed with a shamed-shy Leo Moon, my approach to astrology is playful, pragmatic, and true loving. I consider it a gateway to a dope life. Expansive, poetic, present. It’s also real nerdy. A seemingly infinitely complex system (one could study astrology forever) it is, simply, the study of time and space—those nodes ever-shifting. The jargon among these links, though thick and silly, is logical. Astrology is an ancient system, continually updated. It's an art and a science, open to interpretation, and there’s more to it than just horoscopes. Every individual “contains multitudes,” the influence of many signs in many houses at varying degrees, plus asteroids and other fun stuff. One needn’t know all of that to appreciate the following. Start from where you are.

Shout-outs to Morgan Rehbock, Hannah Black, Aleister Crowley, Carl G. Jung, Guru Jagat, Margaret Haines, and the ultimate, Liz Greene, who I didn’t list, for their links were too many or too few, but whose past and ongoing work in the field deserves praise.

Photo courtesy of Astrobarry

Astrobarry

Queer astrologer Barry Perlman was this overeducated Western intellectual’s gateway into the art of astrology. His weekly horoscopes, which he almost always posts on Sunday mornings (Pacific Standard Time, his home is San Francisco), are clunky, dense, and scholastic. He favors ten-dollar words, emphatic italics, (bracketed asides), and logical puzzles, like, for example, from his forecast for Aquarius this week: Beware of peer pressure (either real or imagined) aimed toward convincing you to 'move on already'—a piece of advice which, in no uncertain terms, goes against the premise of 'leaving doors open'—out of some erroneous notion that we show strength by drawing firm dividing-lines and, subsequently, appear weak by remaining willing to negotiate.

These brainteasers pay off if you take the time to puzzle them out, which is what astrology is, IMO, all about—readers mining for meaning using an abstruse sign set.

Photo courtesy of Astrolochery

Astrolocherry

Shout-out to Alicia Novella, aka @lightlicker, for turning me onto Cherry’s trip-the-starlight fantastic Tumblr, which reads like the best of Francesca Lia Block’s books. The prose is fluffy, sweet, and emo, decorated with cartoonish nature analogies and matching illustrations. It is also dead-on accurate. Don’t discount the Young-Girl. Beneath her glittering pink and purple prose is a fount of cool wisdom.

Photo via ChaniNicholas

Chani Nicholas

Virgoan justice warrior Chani Nicholas deserves a MacArthur Genius Grant, I swear to Ishtar. Her weekly Sun and rising sign readings come out every Monday. Soft-toned and psychological, their repetitiousness flirts with religious, but it’s an ever-agnostic religion that I can endorse: one of love, diversity, generosity, compassion, self-reflexivity, and healing. Subscribe to her newsletter to get the goods right in your inbox. Nicholas also offers many free reports as well as exclusive paid content, which I highly recommend buying into. I watched her $18 “Healing Guide To Eclipse Season” video high on LSD last week, and cried and cried then laughed and e-mailed my parents a video of myself finger painting vibrant abstractions to the beat of Patti Smith. Effective and affordable therapy.

Photo courtesy of Tom Kaypacha Lescher

Tom Kaypacha Lescher

This summer, I experienced a hands-free energy orgasm during a “Guided Meditation to the Underworld” lead by Tom “Kaypacha” Lescher via Google Hangs. Now I dream of him often. Just look at him! The man is a Leonine leader, aware of his ego; gentle, sensual, and down-to-Earth, with the most infectious self-aware laugh. His utopic vision of the coming Age of Aquarius (aka balance of the sexes—byyyyye white supremacist imperially capitalist patriarchy!) is sci-fi/fantasy cream. Yum. Yeah, so his long-haired, culturally appropriative white-man bod has him looking like iffy leaders of New Ages past. It’s cool. He knows what he is. Watch for his weekly “Pele Reports,” released every Wednesday. Watch ‘em patient, and ideally stoned. 

Photo by Suzanne Savoy

Kathy Biehl

Kathy Biehl writes monthly, New, and Full Moon forecasts for all of us. The idea being that every being on Earth experiences the same astrological influences at the same time. I love this. We are in it together. We are.

Photo courtesy of Kelley Rosano

Kelley Rosano

Part of me doesn’t want to share Kelley, as I fear your judging, not getting the Beauty that is her Divine Being. I’m serious! This woman is wonderful. Like the kindergarten teacher all ages need, she reminds me of what’s important (self-care, confidence, love), somehow channeling her go-getter energy through the screen and into… I can only speak for me. I feel energized after watching Kelley. Her smile. Her gaze. Her politics (if you listen enough, you’ll hear some of that). Kelley makes monthly vlog forecasts for all twelve signs, as well as general reports for eclipses, notable new moons, etcetera. A “Law of Attraction” counselor (forewarned), she’s like The Secret embodied. Like Amy Goodman, Kelley Rosano is a reliable, nurturing teacher that I wish the world would listen to.

Photo courtesy of Samuel Reynolds

Samuel ReynoldsI fell for Samuel Reynolds while watching this YouTube talk with Chani Nicholas about the 2015 Queer Astrology Conference. I died for him in this "Theological Blonde” spotlight. Then I discovered he’s doing GIF horoscopes for New York mag. I dig his Twitter, too. “Part poet. Part wolf. All human.” Right on.

Photo courtesy of @arianareines/Twitter

Ariana Reines

Poet-artist Ariana Reines side-practices astrology in a mostly one-on-one way, offering birth chart readings from her New York studio or via Skype/phone/Google Hangouts. Sure to use words you’ve never heard spoken, or maybe even read, her approach is antiquarian, alien, recherché, foxy—uniquely Ariana. I recommend familiarizing yourself with her poetry first, then her social media (where she occasionally shares astro insight), then maybe readying your highest self for a live meet with her. But that’s just my counsel. IDK shit.

Photo courtesy of @apotrafied/Twitter

Sylvides

I’m one of those who believes that the most brilliant people tend to be, for a variety of wise reasons, under-recognized in their time. That's Natasha MH, of the Sylvides Tumblr, and her 2 Fast 2 Furious mind which whirls resourceful like a library in a cyclone. From her three-eyed view, the storm she brews likely makes perfect sense. For us in the audience, though, it can be overwhelming. She knows so much and delivers it in snippets, rapid, nonlinear, name-dropping. Catch what you can. Research. Follow-up. Natasha isn’t an official astrologer—what she is, I suspect, is a mystery even to her. She knows tons about astrology though, especially about how it relates to Western philosophers and pop culture. Check her blog for OccasionalAstrologicalCommentary. Better yet, ask her a question. I wanna read her replies.

Photo courtesy of Corina Dross

Corina Dross

Laden with literary references, Corina Dross’ monthly horoscopes for Mask magazine may not be for all, but y’all who are into them seem really into them (I spy effusive reblogs, like “so accurate!!”). Dross also offers birth chart readings, scripts, monthly “Queer Horoscopes” for Autostraddle, and has composed an introductory online course titled “Astrology 101,” which seems like a solid primer.