Ever since I was a lousy little tween, I have tried to convince my friends, sisters, cousins (and strangers on the street) to conduct a seance with me. My method of choice? Ouija boards. And despite my extremely convincing attempts ("Guys, don't you want to conjure up Jeffrey Dahmer?" "No? Well what about Kurt Cobain?" "Still no?" "I promise evil spirits won't haunt us forever...I just know these things."), no one would ever agree to summon the spirits with me.
So until this day, I will click on just about any ouija board-related article and see every horribly done movie based on one (hello, Ouija), hoping to live vicariously through others' experiences. When my editor sent me a Vocativ article titled "These Real Customer Reviews of Ouija Boards Prove Everyone Is Crazy," well, I couldn't not click on it. What I found was astounding: Super creepy, freaky real-life accounts (or at least, posted customer reviews) of ouija board activity. The first thing I did after reading through all the "craziness" was go straight to Amazon to uncover some more hidden gems.
Read 10 super awesome reviews below and then someone, please agree to have a ouija party with me...I'll bring cupcakes! (Which I totally heard that ghosts love.)
"This actually works, and can ruin your life!" by Mark Twain (Editor's note: Seems legit.)
I just recently got this product, and so I sat down to use it and asked it "who am I speaking with". Slowly the key moved to spell out "Billy Mays Here". Immediately after that there was a burst of cold air, and now he won't leave my house. He throws away all of the products I own that he didn't endorse, for example, all of my paper towels. I have to clean all my messes with Zorbeez, as he will not allow me to keep anything else. Its not all bad, I came home on my birthday and he had gotten me a Big City Slider Station, which actually works pretty good.
"Demons contacted me. I'm now writing this review from..." by Amazon Customer (Editor's note: Mysterious.)
Demons contacted me. Now I'm writing this review from another dimension. I have to go...They are whispering my name.
"not cool- PLEASE READ" by A Customer (Editor's note: Might have taken you seriously if you didn't use the term "not cool.")
To warn you this should not be classified as a toy. I know some of my older friends who have tried this thing and they supposedly saved someones afterlife and don't shun me for what I just said because not one of them could make up such a story as what the ouija board had told them. All you get with the Ouija board is just stupid spirits basically all the time and it has really screwed up some peoples minds. I'm 13 and I won't touch the thing. I gave the fun 1 stars because there is hardly any fun if you get a stupid spirit that says it's gonna kill you or something and fun if it just answers some normal questions. This toy is very educational, it tells you not to mess with the thing in one way or another.(or any of the spirits unless you know how to deal with them) This "toy" is durable because you're only screwed if the little clear thing pops out of the pointer(or whatever you want to call it) Age reccommendation= 14- adult or no one in that fact. Little kids should not be messing with these spirits. I warned you.
"A Ghost's Review" by waltertroggin (Editor's note: Love the honesty. And the fact that this ghost cared enough to capitalize the title, but not "I" or anything in the copy.)
as a spirit, i love these things. i really enjoy being invited into all your homes by curious teenagers. once in your homes i am free to turn lights on and off, slam doors, make your dog bark, maybe even posess some poor fellow. moving the hands of unsuspecting youngsters to spell out irrelevant words one letter at a time is a great way to break up the monotony of eternal damnation. so keep defying that silly two thousand year old comic book and turn the lights down, gather around this all powerful piece of cardboard and plastic and summon up fun for all ages.
"It's Me. I Move It" by Robyn (Editor's note: Robyn, I hate you. Stop ruining a good time.)
I gotta fess up to the anonymity of the Internet. I move it. I moved it as a kid, and I would make it say things like that I'm going to die or that spirits are angry or that sort of thing. We'd close our eyes between letters and I would peek and move it. It's easy to see through your lashes.
I'm going to buy this and play with some friends at a "haunted" location, and I'm still going to move it.
Only now I'll Google something good beforehand for it to say...
"Freaky cool. It glows." by Juan Valdez (Editor's note: Horrible grammar and very confusing, but highly entertaining.)
I love to mess with these things! This one is so cool because it glows! Try it in the dark or better yet with a black light! Be warned some of the answers you get can be bad. Oh, and if your catholic, use of this product requires a trip to confession. My priest was not impressed with my use of it but I love the way my sweetie screams! My ears are still ringing! Silly rabbit!
"The board ate my dog" by Scott B. Macdonald (Editor's note: Did you call PETA?)
The happenings after buying a Oiuja board are indeed evil. The first thing that happened when I opened the box, was a paper-cut. Sure...harmless, right? Hardly. A drop of blood hit the board, and it started snapping open and closed, while a vortex appeared at its center. In a futile attempt to ward off this evil, my terrier attacked the board and was consumed in its spiral-like vortex. Wiggles is gone forever I fear...it has been four months. In addition to this, for some reason, every morning at 7, a Jehovah's Witness appears on my porch with booklets. After she leaves, two lifeless Chinese girls materialize on the porch holding a remote control.
Hey....maybe you should get one of these after all!
"Pink? Really?" by Roberta L. Williams (Editor's note: Please don't take offense, Barbie. She doesn't know what she's talking about.)
A pink Ouija board? How the hell am I supposed to conjure and commune with evil spirits with a pink Ouija board? My black cloak will totally clash and I'll probably only be able to speak to the spirit of Malibu Barbie.
"A Great Way to Connect with Important Women from History" by Lori Day (Editor's note: Roberta, please take note.)
I was excited to try this. It is so rare to find a pink toy for girls these days. However, the only ghosts I could conjure were the ghosts of Joan of Arc, Lucretia Mott, Sojourner Truth, Marie Curie, Shirley Chisolm, Ann Frank, Margaret Sanger, Amelia Earhart, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf, Susan B. Anthony, Elizabeth Blackwell, and Annie Oakley. And they weren't happy.
"Is it that collectible now?" by AKO-1Critic4U (Editor's note: A good ouija board is hard to find.)
I got mine a long time ago from a friend for free. Played with it once and got no results. Unfortunately, the place where I played it felt like a dimensional rift had opened. Years later, after finding Jesus Christ, me and some fellow christians went to an open field and burned it. The first hiss of multi-coloured fire was aimed straight at me followed by maybe 20 more around the box. Will never touch it again. Except $300.00 for a unopened 1? Wow. Must be getting rare.