illustration by liz riccardi

The Official Fuccboi Gift Guide

12 stocking stuffers

Maybe it's your stay-at-home brother. Maybe it's your too-hot-to-dump boyfriend. Or maybe it's your recently-got-into-jogger-pants boss. No matter who the fuccboi is in your life, you're no doubt wracking your brain trying to figure out what unreciprocated gift to put under his Air Jordan-themed Christmas tree. Well, we've got you covered! Here's the definitive fuccboi gift guide for 2015. Any of the following will make the fuccboi in your life smile so big, you'd think he just got a new tribal tat!

(For our purposes, we will define fuckboi as “male human who isn't shit.”)

Photo courtesy of Pro Source

Pull-Up Bar

Your flaky little snowflake cancelled dinner plans to watch a documentary about MMA fighters and is now “pretty sure he'd be good at it.” Get him this tricked-out doorway pull-up bar so he can use it once and never again.

Pro Source, ProSource Heavy-Duty Easy Gym Doorway Chin-Up/Pull-Up Bar, $30, available at Amazon.com.

Photo courtesy of Lids

Gift Card for Lids

Did you know that the hat retailer Lids has gift cards? Well, now you do. Give your untalented DJ boyfriend any amount of store credit for the snapback capital of the world, and watch as he lights up like a Christmas tree—then lights up a joint. He probably thought the words “thank you!”

Lids, Lids Gift Card, available at lids.com

Photo courtesy of Lighter USA

Heaven’s Lube Vape Juice

Not only is vaping far healthier than smoking analog cigarettes, it also allows you to buy products with names like “Heaven’s Lube.” Sneak this into your roommate’s ever-present boyfriend’s sneakers that he left in the middle of the floor, and he's sure to take it way better when you ban him from your house forever.

Lighter USA, Heaven's Lube Morning Wood (Cereal) 30ml Vape Juice, $16, available at lighterusa.com.

Photo courtesy of Fleshlight

The Cheapest Fleshlight

Sick of getting hit on by the clueless 22-year-old boyman in your friend group? Allay his incapable sexual urges with the Fleshlight Quickshot; the cheapest and smallest of all their models. It's best to buy people what they'd buy themselves!

Fleshlight, Fleshlight Quickshot, $26.95, available at fleshlight.com

Photo courtesy of IKEA

Bed Frame

Because let's be real: He sure doesn't have one! Get him this simple model and he's sure to say “Oh cool, it's like in a hotel.” Oh, fuccboi! It’s not just hotels that have bed frames. In fact, most adults have bed frames. Try not to get too disappointed when he turns this into a half pipe.

IKEA, FJELLSE Pine Bed Frame, $50, available at IKEA

Photo courtesy of Fireball Whisky

Fireball Whisky Gym Bag

Did you know that Fireball Whisky has an online shop? Neither does he. Get him this duffle for his too-grunty, weight-dropping gym seshes and he’ll be so happy, he might start letting you bring any food or beverages into his car!

Fireball Whisky, Fireball Gym Bag, $20, available at fireballwhiskystore.com

Photo courtesy of This That & The Other

Ice Boobs

This is the ultimate gift for turning any fuckboi into a fuckman. He might not be able to psychologically process the joy that comes from drinking boobs, so make sure to catch him if he faints! He'll stop liking it when he realizes that the ice boobs will get smaller as they melt, but for now, he's thrilled.

This That & The Other, Boobie Ice Sculpture, $18, available at thisthatandtheotheronline.net

Photo courtesy of Amazon

Topsy Turvy Indoor Tomato Planter

Because even fuccbois can surprise you. He wants to try growing tomatoes indoors, like on that commercial! He will eventually try to plant weed in this. Today, though, his tomato dreams came true.

Felknor, Topsy Turvy Upside-Down Tomato Planter (3-Pack), $35, available at Amazon.com.  

Photo courtesy of Amazon

The Art of War Audiobook

This classic Sun Tzu text is often used by businessmen to help them develop effective leadership skills and build their empires. Your fuccboi will use it to up his winnings on FanDuel.

Shambhala Audio, The Art of War Audio CD–Abridged, Audiobook, $10, available at Amazon.com

Photo courtesy of Etsy

This Sad Pot Leaf Christmas Stocking

It's messy, lame, and trashy—sound like anyone you know? Give it to your fuccboi boyfriend because he jerked off into the other stocking you got for him.

Horror Knots, Pot Leaf Christmas Stocking, $39.50, available at Etsy

Photo courtesy of Supreme

Supreme Tee

For when his regular Supreme tees get too covered in hot sauce!

Note: Supreme Box Logo T-shirts are released in limited supply and are not available at all, because what's more fuccboi than that?

Photo courtesy of Trojan

Magnum Condoms

You both know they won't fit him, but hey: It's the thought that counts!

Trojan, Trojan Magnum 36ct, $14, available at Amazon.com