Let’s just get this out of the way: We have already reached peak LaCroix. The cultishly adored sparkling water brand, whose cans look like they were designed by the same genius who created the turquoise-and-purple wax paper cups that were an integral part of any ’90s childhood (you know the ones), is everywhere lately. Its presence has saturated the internet, with articles extolling its virtues, ranking its flavors, debating its value, and explaining what it is and how to pronounce it. (It’s pronounced “la croy,” but I’m going to keep saying “la kwah,” because it’s more fun and pretentious, two of my most defining qualities.) There are even tribute videos to LaCroix featuring an excellent brow game, as seen below.
Beyond the internet, LaCroix has also invaded our physical space, aka the real world. An enormous wall of stacked LaCroix cartons at a new Whole Foods in Williamsburg has now become the most Instagram-friendly spot in Brooklyn, New York. On a personal note, my refrigerator currently contains three cartons of Pamplemousse and not much else, and that’s just fine because at least I’ve got the necessities covered. Whether or not you know how to pronounce it (or even how to spell it; it’s just one word with weird capitalization), it’s hard to deny that LaCroix is everywhere, and the best thing for you to do is just relent and accept your new sparkling water overlord.
What’s that, you’re saying? You’ve already bought into the cult of LaCroix? You’re super-familiar with all 20 of its flavors? Even LaCola? Well, good for you. You’re probably already tired of all the bullshit rankings of LaCroix, the ones which always either place Coconut way too low or way too high, because what good is a ranking without a little controversy thrown in, and nothing is more controversial than Coconut, which is basically the cilantro of LaCroix. So let’s forget the whole damned ranking system and focus on what’s really important: Determining your personality based on which is your favorite flavor of LaCroix. Basically, tell me what type of LaCroix you drink, and I’ll tell you who you are.
I’m not going to say my methods are science-based (because they’re not), but I will say that I would recommend that people use their favorite flavors much as they would horoscopes, as bias-based means to determine who they are and who they want to be. Drink up!