Here Are The 59 Love Languages

The things that mean love to me, and maybe you

1) Shares me on a Google Doc with all the best chicken fingers restaurants within the delivery range of my apartment

2) Turns off Radiohead when I get in the car

3) Whispers to me, "There's no moral consumption under capitalism," and it's a joke, but, also, it's not a joke, and so follows that up by folding my laundry in lieu of buying me a present

4) But, also, occasionally, buys me a present that is this: one (1) blue rose from a bodega

5) Peels a blood orange for me and puts all the pith-free segments in that bowl I like, then brings it to me in bed

6) Wears Old Spice deodorant, the classic scent

7) Offers me bites of their food

8) Knows that sometimes when I offer bites of my food, I mean it, and other times, I don't, but am doing it out of love/duty and so accepts and declines said bites accordingly

9) Texts me all the best quotes from the latest Quincy Jones interview

10) Has never self-described as a libertarian

11) Knows how to use a semicolon

12) Knows how to use an em dash

13) Uses both semicolons and em dashes sparingly

14) Won't talk about a movie until completely leaving the movie theater

15) Will talk about a book while still in the middle of reading it

16) Will read a poem out loud just because it's important that it's heard that way

17) Will not, no matter how much others encourage it, play guitar at a party

18) Never uses the phrase "witch hunt" in an inaccurate way

19) Probably never uses the phrase "witch hunt" at all, unless we're talking about Stacy Schiff's fascinating book The Witches: Suspicion, Betrayal, and Hysteria in 1692 Salem

20) Happy to spend hours lying in bed watching High Maintenance on my junky laptop

21) Would never self-describe as either a dog or a cat person

22) Knows how to crack an egg efficiently

23) Inscribes every book given as a present

24) Has handwriting that doesn't look like a five-year-old's

25) Maybe forgets to get a flu shot, but isn't opposed to them

26) Keeps the thermostat at 69 degrees, because they, too, are perpetual 15-year-olds

27) Has never self-described as a man of the woods

28) Does not "keep up" with late-night talk shows

29) Would never send a clip of a late-night talk show

30) Would send a link to this tweet the second they saw it

31) Gives Metrocard swipes to strangers in need, and will generally stick it to the MTA whenever possible

32) Good at killing mosquitos

33) Bad at killing anything else

34) After I mention in passing that I liked a movie or a book or a TV show or a song, seeks it out

35) Tips excessively well

36) Knows how to take out a splinter

37) Lets me take out their splinters anyway

38) Liked The Meyerowitz Stories more than Lady Bird

39) Would never make a big deal or a point out of liking The Meyerowitz Stories more than Lady Bird

40) Doesn't email me

41) Has never described an ex as being "crazy"

42) Doesn't order for me, but knows what I like

43) Sees me doing the crossword puzzle, and doesn't make a suggestion for any missing squares

44) Doesn't care about Valentine's Day

45) Does care about birthdays

46) Takes my shoes to the cobbler

47) Has a cobbler they trust

48) Never has any idea about what's "going on" on Twitter

49) Is interested in how I got the tiny scar on the top of my forehead, and the one on the side of my right nostril

50) Chooses a restaurant when I say, "You choose the restaurant"

51) Makes sure there's water by the bed at night

52) Doesn't laugh at my ayurvedically sound copper cup that holds the water I keep by the bed at night

53) Does laugh at me when I'm being funny

54) Knows when I'm being funny

55) Always tells the waiter "tap is fine"

56) Also knows that sparkling is sometimes appropriate, when it's complimentary

57) Smiles at babies

58) Makes babies smile back

59) Has absolutely no idea what love languages are supposed to be