1) Shares me on a Google Doc with all the best chicken fingers restaurants within the delivery range of my apartment
2) Turns off Radiohead when I get in the car
3) Whispers to me, "There's no moral consumption under capitalism," and it's a joke, but, also, it's not a joke, and so follows that up by folding my laundry in lieu of buying me a present
4) But, also, occasionally, buys me a present that is this: one (1) blue rose from a bodega
5) Peels a blood orange for me and puts all the pith-free segments in that bowl I like, then brings it to me in bed
6) Wears Old Spice deodorant, the classic scent
7) Offers me bites of their food
8) Knows that sometimes when I offer bites of my food, I mean it, and other times, I don't, but am doing it out of love/duty and so accepts and declines said bites accordingly
9) Texts me all the best quotes from the latest Quincy Jones interview
10) Has never self-described as a libertarian
11) Knows how to use a semicolon
12) Knows how to use an em dash
13) Uses both semicolons and em dashes sparingly
14) Won't talk about a movie until completely leaving the movie theater
15) Will talk about a book while still in the middle of reading it
16) Will read a poem out loud just because it's important that it's heard that way
17) Will not, no matter how much others encourage it, play guitar at a party
18) Never uses the phrase "witch hunt" in an inaccurate way
19) Probably never uses the phrase "witch hunt" at all, unless we're talking about Stacy Schiff's fascinating book The Witches: Suspicion, Betrayal, and Hysteria in 1692 Salem
20) Happy to spend hours lying in bed watching High Maintenance on my junky laptop
21) Would never self-describe as either a dog or a cat person
22) Knows how to crack an egg efficiently
23) Inscribes every book given as a present
24) Has handwriting that doesn't look like a five-year-old's
25) Maybe forgets to get a flu shot, but isn't opposed to them
26) Keeps the thermostat at 69 degrees, because they, too, are perpetual 15-year-olds
27) Has never self-described as a man of the woods
28) Does not "keep up" with late-night talk shows
29) Would never send a clip of a late-night talk show
30) Would send a link to this tweet the second they saw it
31) Gives Metrocard swipes to strangers in need, and will generally stick it to the MTA whenever possible
32) Good at killing mosquitos
33) Bad at killing anything else
34) After I mention in passing that I liked a movie or a book or a TV show or a song, seeks it out
35) Tips excessively well
36) Knows how to take out a splinter
37) Lets me take out their splinters anyway
38) Liked The Meyerowitz Stories more than Lady Bird
39) Would never make a big deal or a point out of liking The Meyerowitz Stories more than Lady Bird
40) Doesn't email me
41) Has never described an ex as being "crazy"
42) Doesn't order for me, but knows what I like
43) Sees me doing the crossword puzzle, and doesn't make a suggestion for any missing squares
44) Doesn't care about Valentine's Day
45) Does care about birthdays
46) Takes my shoes to the cobbler
47) Has a cobbler they trust
48) Never has any idea about what's "going on" on Twitter
49) Is interested in how I got the tiny scar on the top of my forehead, and the one on the side of my right nostril
50) Chooses a restaurant when I say, "You choose the restaurant"
51) Makes sure there's water by the bed at night
52) Doesn't laugh at my ayurvedically sound copper cup that holds the water I keep by the bed at night
53) Does laugh at me when I'm being funny
54) Knows when I'm being funny
55) Always tells the waiter "tap is fine"
56) Also knows that sparkling is sometimes appropriate, when it's complimentary
57) Smiles at babies
58) Makes babies smile back
59) Has absolutely no idea what love languages are supposed to be
