Photo by Mike Moore/Getty Images for Papa John's

Papa John’s Pizza Tastes Like Bigotry and Cardboard

If it’s even actually pizza

by Sarah Beauchamp

Yesterday, Papa John's Pizza CEO John Schnatter ill-consideredly blamed the pizza chain's declining sales on the NFL protests, during which players take a knee to protest police brutality in America. A lot of people are pointing out that a more likely cause for the fall in revenue is the fact that their pizza is trash.

Let's explore, as we take a look at all the things Papa John's pizza tastes like. 

A U-Haul seat cushion.


The box it's delivered in.

Diabetes and sorrow.



Like a football player has already kneeled on the pizza. 

An old t-shirt. 

Moldy crackers, condensed tomato soup sauce, and Elmer's glue. 

Used diapers.  

Trash and hate. 

Warm paper towels. 

Burnt hair. 

Traffic and allergies.

Wet baseball glove. 

Can of tomato soup on a frisbee. 

Bath mat with weak ketchup drizzled on it.

Ottoman drenched in spaghetti sauce.