Breaking news: Hiddleswift is no more. But if you’ve connected to wifi over the past couple of days at all, you probably already knew that. While the world waits with bated breath for Swift to release her inevitable breakup song about the failed relationship (honestly, we’re waiting for the one about Calvin Harris first), Stephen Colbert has us covered with a version of his own.
The talk show host debuted his ballad on his show last night, acoustic guitar and all. “Hiddleswift has called it Hiddlesplits,” he says, before busting into song. “I’m especially sad about this news because their love was in the press so much, I thought I was a part of it. In a way, it feels like they broke up with me.”
Colbert proceeds to recall the trio’s favorite memories—most of which involve a whole lot of rocks. “Where did Colbiddleswift go wrong?/ My heart is on the floor/I’ve got bad blood with amor,” he sings. In case you were wondering whether he’d ever recover from this piercing heartbreak, he assures us he will. “Don’t worry, I’ll be okay-kay/ Because I found a brand new love/ That will never go kaboom/So good-bye, Colbiddleswift/ Hello, Colkatlandobloom.”
We’re sure the new couple would be happy to have you, Colbert.