A Tribute To Capricorn, The Low-Key Alien Sex Gods Of The Zodiac


I will be the first to admit that I know basically nothing about astrology and have no real business writing about it (except when it comes to Geminis, because I know everything there is to know about Geminis), and yet here I am writing about astrology again, and not even feeling too much like a fraud. And there's a reason for this! And the reason is I've been thinking a lot about Capricorns lately. Maybe too much. I mean, most people would say it's too much because, well, Capricorns have a reputation for being... boring. But most people are wrong! Because Capricorns are, I've come to realize, the low-key alien sex gods of the zodiac. (No, really.)

I know what you're thinking: But Capricorns are so dull. All they care about is work and money and career advancement. And, yes, I get it. That's what I always thought too. I always thought Capricorns were boring because they were such... dads. And dads, as we all know no matter how much we love them, are boring. They care about work and money and career advancement. Boring! And, yes, some Capricorns are definite dads and definitely boring and rooted in place; they're symbols of patriarchal supremacy, of capitalism's banality and evil. But, other Capricorns? Well, other Capricorns are less dad than daddy, and they are freaky as hell, twisted in all the best ways, and still totally obsessive weirdos. Because while some Capricorns' ultimate life goal might include world dominance, it's often for such boring reasons as productivity for productivity's sake, or fame for fame's sake. For other Capricorns? The goal is nothing less than world creation, in all its messy, eruptive glory. This, then, is why Capricorns make the ultimate cult leaders. (See: Jesus.)

But let's go back to the alien sex god thing before we dive deep into cult leadership potential. More than any other sign, Capricorn is full of people about whom the following can be said: We do not deserve them. These are the people who, because of their talent, intelligence, humanity, grace, wit, etc., feel like they are not of this earth. These are people who so excel at being human that it's almost like... they are not human at all? And are only pretending, using their extraterrestrial skills, to be human, and are therefore better than any of us normal humans—who actually just have to be ourselves instead of imagining what ourselves should be like—are at being human? Do you see what I mean? No? Okay, I'll prove it.

Here are some notable Capricorns besides Jesus: David Bowie, Elvis, Sade, Muhammed Ali, Kate Moss, LeBron James, Edgar Allen Poe, Martin Luther King, Jr., J.R.R. Tolkien, Jean-Michel Basquiat, Andy Kaufman, Jim Carrey, Jake Paul, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Justin Trudeau, Alison Brie, Blue Ivy Carter, and Michelle Obama. 

Now be honest, if I told you that any person on that list was not actually a person, but was actually an alien who came to earth to be better than any human had ever been in their respective fields, wouldn't you... believe me? Of course, you would! There is almost nobody on this list who is actually believable as an actual human because they are all just too good at being the best at what they do. Humans aren't that great! But Capricorns are. And so they must be aliens. Albeit, they're all the kind of aliens of whom your dad would totally approve! These are dad-friendly aliens. They work hard. They value excellence. They would be great to sit next to at dinner parties. They also, all of them, inspire cultishly devoted fans.

Which, let's talk about Jesus for a second. And... Jake Paul. And Capricorns as cult leaders! Because, here's the thing, a Capricorn can make you believe just about anything because they are world creators, because they are dads. This is what dads do: create worlds. In the case of Jesus, an entire religion was invented, one which would go on to disrupt the existing order of, well, everything. Do you think Jesus could have pulled this off if he wasn't a Capricorn? It's very hard to say, not least because nobody knows his actual birthdate, but I am going to say, no. No, Jesus could not have done this if he were a Taurus or a Libra. Because he was a Capricorn, though and, as such, a literal (figurative) alien sent down by the ULTIMATE dad to save the earth and be, not just a sex god, but also an actual—the actual!—god, Jesus managed to pull off the whole "start a new religion and change forever the course of human history," which... could not have been easy to do. 

And then there's Jake Paul. Have you read Taylor Lorenz's Daily Beast profile of this self-made social media star? You should absolutely do so immediately because it is one of the most fascinating things I've read all year, and a perfect example of a Capricorn at work. At the age of 20, Paul has over 30 million social media followers, across platforms, and attracts crowds in the thousands when he makes a public appearance. He's also, brilliantly, focusing not on millennials, who are obviously over, but on the next generation, thus better securing his fan base for years into the future, so that when the time comes for him to go back to his home planet, as Jesus once did before him, his countless earthly acolytes will continue to spread his good word for years and years to come. I mean, do you think the 10-year-old who "cried for days before her parents agreed to drive her into the city from New Jersey," to see Paul, and told Lorenz, "I would do anything to meet Jake," isn't going to follow the Book of Jake Paul forever? Of course, she is. Because he's a Capricorn, and we all want to believe in a Capricorn. 

This is, of course, where we get into trouble with Capricorns. And with dads. We want to believe in them. We want to believe they have our best interests at heart. And sometimes they do! (See: Michelle Obama.) And then other times, they're Richard Nixon. Or R. Kelly. Or Kim Jong-Un. Because much in the same way the best Capricorns are supernaturally good at being good, the worst Capricorns are supernaturally good at being bad. Bad Capricorns, too, can inspire cultish devotion, and they use their powers for evil, and often hide behind excuses about having committed atrocities for some larger good, and claim only to be dedicated to their work. But this is a lie. Capricorns get off on pretending to be selfless, but the truth is they're as ego-driven as Geminis (aka very) and have total megalomaniacal tendencies. And whereas the best Capricorns are evidence of excellence existing in the world, the worst Capricorns are the kind of people who do stupid shit and pass it off as part of their "process." In extreme cases, this leads to the humanitarian disaster that is North Korea. In more minor cases, this leads to Jared Leto giving his coworkers dead rats on the set of Suicide Squad. It's a spectrum, for sure, but a reminder that Capricorns are capable of being really terrible.

But so, I know what you're thinking now, Okay, I get the whole alien thing. And I maybe understand the dad vs. daddy Capricorn dichotomy. But what's with the whole sex god angle? I'm so glad you asked! Although, seriously, I am so surprised you asked? What part of "David Bowie" or "Kate Moss" or "Sade" makes the fact that Capricorns are sex gods unclear? The thing about Capricorns is that they are sex gods despite not always having to blatantly prove their sex god status. Like, sometimes they are blatant about it (see: Elvis), but other times they are not and yet they are still... sexier than they have any right to be. Like, a Capricorn can be wearing cargo shorts (a very Capricorn item of clothing), and you would still want to fuck them. If a Capricorn were a decade, it would be the '80s, and if a Capricorn were a day of the week, it would be a Wednesday, and neither of those things is even slightly sexy, and yet you still find yourself entranced by a Capricorn. I mean, a Capricorn can literally tell you how her "natural state is just: I want to be working," and you'll still find yourself thinking, Wow, what a perfect human being-slash-alien sex god you are. Capricorns—they're so crazy!

Which, hey, you're probably agreeing with me now, right? You're like, Yes, Capricorns are so crazy. And just a few minutes ago you were thinking, Capricorns are so boring. This is the thing about Capricorns. You think you know them, but you have no idea. You think you can dismiss them as being staid workaholics, and then you realize that Capricorns are among the most enigmatic beings to pretend to be humans ever. Capricorns seem to be the most sensible of all the zodiac signs, but the truth is they make no sense at all. They are irrational at heart, their love for order is real and everything, but it also masks the total chaos roiling beneath their surfaces. They are dads and they are daddys, and we will be transfixed by them forever and ever. Even after they've left us for their heavenly home, we will remain on earth, peering up into the night sky, hoping for just a glimpse of their cargo shorts amongst the stars.