Unwrapped: For The Ultra-Emotional Cat Person In Your Life

'Tis officially the season for gift-giving. For us, that’s a full month (31 days!) in which we’ll be providing gift ideas for everyone on your list with our Unwrapped holiday gift guides. So make your holiday shopping a breeze this season, and let us help you find gifts for all the people in your life—and maybe even a spoiled pet or two.

Hello, my name is Hilary, and I am an incredibly emotional cat person. Which is to say, while I’ve been super-emotional pretty much all my life, I recently added a pair of kitten brothers, Prince and Dr. Pocket, to the mix (please follow them on Instagram—I’m trying to quit my job). In addition to being the ideal receptacles for all my anxieties, hopes, dreams, and dogged attempts at being adored on the internet, P&P have provided a cornucopia of bold new ways in which to spend my money. So come with me, friends, on a journey deep into the strange land of feline-directed retail.

I present you with this ultimate gift guide for you, me, your cat, my cats, and all the cat people in your life.

Your Cat Backpack, "The Original," $99, available at Your Cat Backpack

Have you ever wanted to wear your cats, but without Cruella de Vil-ing them first? Here is your chance. In this backpack, your cat can sit and gaze out of a space bubble while either: (a) contemplating suicide or (b) enjoying the pleasures of overland travel. I myself enjoy walking down the street wearing both my cats while softly singing “Space Oddity” to them. Anyway, the pack comes in several snazzy styles, but my personal favorite is the “City Chic” in pink because I am a posh lady and also don’t believe in policing my sons’ gender roles.

Pet Krewe, Scary Spider Cat Costume, $19.95, available at Pet Krewe

You are not allowed to call yourself an ultra-emotional cat person if you’ve never forced your cat to wear a costume. Fear not: There is a stunning array of choices when it comes to torturing your cat for the sake of Instagram likes. You can dress your cat as a sad lion, a sad unicorn, a sad sailor, or a sad spider, which involves strapping on a set of plush leopard-print legs that weigh more than your cat’s body and watching him fling himself to the ground in despair. Rewarding!

LICKI Brush, Brush, $25, available at PDX Pet Design

You need this. I need this. Your cat needs this. It is literally a brush shaped like a tongue that you put in your mouth and use to lap at your cat like a sadistic human-cat-hybrid mother. Apparently, your cat will enjoy it quite a bit, and it will create a bond so deep that no amount of aforementioned costume torture will break it. It also comes in a glow-in-the-dark version, because how else will you lick your cat in the night?

Bond & Co, Fishy-Print Bow Tie Harness, $6.49, available at Petco 

While 2017 has obviously been a year made of trash, it did include one bright spot: the National Park Service’s first official cat hike. And what makes cat hikes possible? Cat leashes, my friends. The independently owned pet shop guy got really judge-y on the phone with me when I called asking for them, so I headed instead to my good old local Petco, where lack of stigma offsets the stink of late-stage, big-box capitalism. What I came away with is this: One tiny hoodie with skulls and crossbones for Pocket and one tiny blue fish-printed vest with a bow tie for Prince, both with rings that attach to leashes (sold separately, which is kind of a racket, but this listicle is probably not the place to complain about that). 

Once vested, they will walk around like gravity has suddenly doubled and/or they are not cats at all but actually lizards. Once you attach the leash, the result will likely be a semi-violent cat-fishing/limp-dragging situation, but if you can push through, you’ll eventually become the proud parent of your very own #AdventureCat, which means you now have a shot at quitting your job and living off your cat’s fame just like @sukiicat’s mom and @iamlilbub’s dad before that, and hopefully, me someday (second reminder: follow my cats on Instagram).

Pyro Pet, Kysa Black candle, $34, available at Pyro Pet

This is a candle shaped like a cat that melts to reveal a cat skeleton underneath. You can burn this when your cats are bad, to show them what happens to bad cats while simultaneously teaching them about the importance of fire safety.

Apollo Peak, Pinot Meow, $10.95, available at Apollo Peak

Yes, cat wine is a thing, and it comes in flavors including Catbernet, White Kittendel, MosCATo, and Pinot Meow. There is also Katbucha, Meowtinis, salmon-flavored cat Champagne, and a special fancy cat goblet that will certainly add to your cat’s already robust superiority complex. The wine contains catnip, so the two of you can get fucked-up together while listening to Joni Mitchell records and meditating on the sorrows of this dying planet—which is maybe or maybe not something I’ve done personally.

Meyou, Peacock Cat Bed, $176.70, available at Meyou Paris

Does your cat need a very expensive bed made in France by a company called Meyou Paris? This is rhetorical. Of course, they do.

Cat Hammock Bed, $39.97, available at Tooty Store

This is basically a tray, for your cat to lounge in, that suctions to the window, so they can unwind from their hard-working lives while observing the flora and fauna of the neighborhood. It is not as beautiful as the French cat furniture, but decidedly American in its versatility. Because guess what? You can suction it to your car window for the chillest feline travel experience of all time.

Little Hiccup, Game for Cats, free, available at the App Store

If you are a cheapskate, get your cat this shitty app. True to its name, it is just one game, which is free, and involves a ball of light that evaporates when you touch it. My cats did not understand it and prefer to play with literal trash, but maybe things will go differently for you and your cat. Or, rather than attempting to turn your feline child into a technology-addled sucker like the rest of us, you can fork out the three dollars it costs to buy a real laser pointer or, better yet, a good old-fashioned feather wand that will keep them entertained literally forever.

Twinkle Tush, $5.99, available at Cat Crib

This is a plastic jewel that hangs from your cat’s tail and covers his or her butthole, so you don’t have to look at it. So, yeah, I'll leave it at that.