Illustrated by Vivien Lee and Sasha Kanarski

What Your Eating Habits Say About Your Love Life

Tell us what you eat, and we’ll tell you who you are

by Vivien Lee

During the rise of the Futurist Movement in the early 1900s, Italian advocates had released The Futurist Cookbook, a humorous, poetic wordplay on the construction of recipes based on the notion that people "think and act according to what they eat and drink."

For me, eating is a lot like sex. There’s a degree of intimacy to the physical act of eating that’s highly personal—from the bodily fluids involved to the skills we demonstrate while eating with our hands and mouths. Our choices of cuisines and restaurants end up as thumbprints of our personalities, revealing where we might stand in social or economic status. Growing up, I was taught to be careful about where I let my eyes wander during dinnertime, and watching other people eat was considered as rude as blatantly staring at people making out in public. Even now when I’m at a restaurant, catching glimpses of people eating feels like I've just peered into their innermost selves, which are now imprinted into my psyche.

It’s not surprising, then, that even centuries ago, people who studied gastronomy supplemented it with philosophical or psychological musings; that continues to this day. From China’s 18th century "Menus from the Garden of Contentment," to today’s “What Kind of Pizza Are You” quizzes on the web, people of all walks of life have long been surveyed on how they prefer to eat and prepare their feasts. And while I’m no psychologist, here are some additional trajectories I've come up with centered around where you might be (or end up) in your life, all based on what you eat.

You Might Be an Overworked Adult Who Lives Alone if...

You opt order Seamless because you’d prefer not to engage with anyone in person. These days you touch your phone more than yourself, and between rapidly switching from Facebook to Instagram to Twitter and back again, your meals are typically eaten over the kitchen sink, phone in hand.

You Might Be a Professional Power Player with Their Shit Together if...

You were bred to be the ultimate hostess since you owned your first Fisher-Price toy kitchen set when you were eight; you ended up graduating with an MFA in three-course meals and a minor in perfectly slung cocktails. You’re fluent in crock pots, stock pots, the wok, the cast iron, and mastered the Dutch oven from your mother. Your dinner parties are always tailored with elaborate themes and planned weeks in advance, and you know the best times to avoid the stampede at Trader Joe’s. You're a goddess.

You Might Be a Chic Wannabe Digital Influencer if...

You like your vino with Calvino and only trust going to restaurants that you’ve seen on The Infatuation, Pinterest, or via the social feeds of people you aspire to meet in person someday. You might have more followers than money in your bank account, but that doesn’t stop you from spending $7 on daily morning cold brews or $12 for a photogenic avocado toast. You appreciate craft beer not so much for its taste as for the labels.

You Might Be Part of a Progressive Young Couple With Life Goals if...

You two fell in love at first pour-over coffee and began an emotional saga over many a grocery lists and Saturday mornings at the local farmer's market. You both quit using Tupperware together, and find the word "organic" synonymous to "orgasm." Your status went from a rocky lacto-ovo vegetarian to a strong, committed vegan relationship. You don’t want kids but have considered raising a dog together, and fantasize about starting a line of sustainable, DIY pet food.

You Might Be the Fun and Frugal Friend if...

Your home is the destination spot for annual Super Bowl parties, Friendsgivings, and weekend pre-games. You graciously love to invite a rotation of friends and coworkers over for weed pizzas, nachos, and hard-to-find microbrews. Every dish comes served with a specialty joke of yours. Everyone loves you! Until you end up surprising them with a Venmo request at the end. But between freelancing, partying, and juggling student loans—hey, we get it.

You Might Be a Twice-Divorced Boss if...

Bourbon, on company time. That's all.

Feature illustration by Vivien Lee, all other illustrations by Sasha Kanarski.