I'm not going to pretend like I'm not a perfume snob. I am. Admittedly, this is an identity that's been honed over many, many years of wearing all sorts of difference scents. Some of them were basic (in every sense of the word), like my 6th grade infatuation with The Body Shop's discontinued Fuzz Peach Perfume Oil, which now sells for a sweet $69 on eBay, or my 7th grade committed relationship to the GAP's Dream perfume, a freesia- and jasmine-heavy bouquet, which smelled like my New York-dwelling self was sure L.A. would (turned out: not always, but sometimes).
I graduated from those mall scents slowly but surely—not that there's anything wrong with mall scents; I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the sweetly woody Ananya, which I used to double up with bought-from-a-street-vendor Egyptian musk oil—and moved on to greater things. First, I spent some time wearing Calvin Klein's Eternity for Men (I just love a jasmine top note, I guess), then progressed to Viktor & Rolf's Flowerbomb (see what I mean about loving jasmine?), until finally settling on the Hermès Un Jardin Sur le Nil, which I've worn pretty exclusively for years now (despite it being a jasmine-free, ultra-green scent, with faintly bitter undertones that somehow compel actual salivation from their deliciousness), along with the occasional swipes of my ever-reliable street vendor Egyptian musk oil (admittedly now bought mostly off small sellers on Amazon, because, convenience). Dyptique's Ombre dans l'Eau is maybe my new favorite scent to wear and also ultra-green, and when I wear it, I feel like I smell as if I were just rolling around in the musky dirt under a tangle of rose and blackberry bushes, not caring about getting pricked by thorns, because the coppery smell of my own blood isn't a bad top note, when I think of it. Oh, I do love that perfume.
All of this is just to say that if anyone had suggested to me that I might like a celebrity perfume, I would have ignored and probably thought less of them. Because I am a snob! I make no apologies for it. Elitism gets such a negative rap when all it really means is the ability to discern what is good from what is bad. What's wrong with that?
Anyway, this all changed recently when I caught a whiff of Sarah Jessica Parker's new perfume, Stash. The heady scent was apparently inspired by SJP's own blend of fragrances, and considering the fact that every time the actress appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman, she was greeted with compliments on how great she smelled, I should have known this would be good. (And admission: I'd smelled her first perfume, Lovely, before and had found it quite, well, lovely, in a powdery, millennial pink kind of a way. It wasn't my thing, but it was very nice.) But so: Stash. It smells like the musky scent of the neck of your favorite leather jacket, the one you always wear when you go out at night, the one that carries with it the fingerprints of all your other perfumes, which have traveled from your nape to the leather collar. It smells like you do, at your dirtiest and warmest, with hints of a mineral tang and soft bites of sawdust. It smells so good that, after I rolled some onto my wrist, I couldn't stop smelling myself.
I had to wonder if this meant I was wrong about celebrity perfumes. Are some of them actually... good? As it turns out, yes. Though, because scent is such an individual thing, not every scent is right for every person. And look, some celebrity perfumes are objectively better than others, i.e. they're formulated by master perfumiers and employ better ingredients than do others. (SJP is actually an excellent example of this; she works with the best; her scents are the best.) That said, there's definitely a celebrity perfume out there for you, no matter your tastes. Read on to see just which one that might be.
Sarah Jessica Parker StashWear this if the reason you don't change the sheets on your bed every week is because you like the way they smell after you've been rolling around in them for awhile. Wear this if you never wash your face at night but still smear all sorts of oils and creams on your skin anyway. Wear this if you shower with your makeup on, sometimes. Wear this if your favorite Kristen Stewart movie is Personal Shopper. Wear this if your favorite number is six. Wear this if you'd seriously consider naming a daughter or a cat "vetiver."
Smells like: musk, cedarwood atlas, pistachio, patchouli, grapefruit, vetiver
J. Lo GlowWear this if you're a shower more than a bath person. Wear this if you never forget to moisturize. Wear this if you go to parties where everyone has to wear white. Wear this if you like the beach more than the mountains, but you never go into the ocean past your knees. Wear this if you wear body jewelry. Wear this if you're a Yankees fan. Wear this if you're a pretty crier. Wear this if you want a puppy, but not a dog.
Smells like: vanilla, jasmine, amber, rose
Britney Spears Midnight FantasyWear this if midnight still seems late to you. Wear this if your favorite scent growing up was Bath & Body Works Sun-Ripened Raspberry everything. Wear this if cucumbers are your favorite vegetable. Wear this if Fruit Salad is your favorite Haribo candy flavor. Wear this if you can still do a perfect round-off and you like to show it off when you've had a couple drinks. Wear this if you like to jet ski. Wear this if your favorite Britney song is "Lucky." Wear this if your favorite LaCroix flavor is Peach-Pear.
Smells like: fruit and vanilla, basically
Elizabeth Taylor White DiamondsWear this if you are beyond scornful of anyone who posts Marilyn Monroe quotes on social media. Wear this if your stare could first hypnotize someone, then paralyze them, and finally straight-up kill them. Wear this if you've been rocking big eyebrows since long before Cara Delevingne was a name everyone knew. Wear this if you unironically believe that diamonds are a girl's best friends—not because you're materialistic, exactly, more because you know you deserve the best, the icy-cold best. Wear this if you'd break up with someone for ordering their meat "well-done." Wear this if you know that sunscreen is important, but consider the occasional tan the one vice you have left. Wear this if you'd rather be caught dead than vaping.
Smells like: rose, violet, tuberose, amber
Nicki Minaj The PinkprintWear this if you chew gum a lot. Wear this if you sometimes get performance anxiety. Wear this if other times, you definitely, don't. Wear this if you think anyone's endless questioning of whether or not they want to get bangs is boring as hell. Wear this if you think most of what other people do is boring as hell. Wear this if your favorite milkshake flavor is strawberry. Wear this if your favorite piece of jewelry is a cuff. Wear this if you wish you were in Costa Rica right now.
Smells like: coconut, passion fruit, nectarine, frangipani, orange blossom
Elizabeth and James Nirvana WhiteWear this if you were always the good one. Wear this if you prided yourself on being the good one. Wear this if you know the Wakefield twins' physiological descriptions perfectly, even if it's been years since you read a Sweet Valley High book. Wear this if you would never wear sandals without a pedicure. Wear this if that pedicure color is a muted dove gray. Wear this if you prefer Montauk over East Hampton. Wear this if your favorite hotel in the L.A. area is Shutters. Wear this if you got a silk pillow case so that your hair would look better and you'd be less prone to wrinkles. Wear this if you never spill anything on your white jeans.
Smells like: peony and musk
Elizabeth and James Nirvana BlackWear this if you're sick of being called the bad girl. Wear this if you know you'd be worried if you weren't called the bad girl anymore. Wear this if you never have less than three black hair elastics around your wrist at any one time. Wear this if you like to pinch yourself on your fingertips with paperclips during long meetings. Wear this if you always mean to read a book on the subway, but forget the second you open Instagram. Wear this if you've never listened to a podcast, and probably never will. Wear this if you haven't owned a TV in five years, but love nothing more than going to your parents' house and binge-watching Jane the Virgin. Wear this if no TV show sounds worse to you than This Is Us. Wear this if you want to see Logan but worry it's too violent, even for you.
Smells like: violet, sandalwood, and vanilla
Beyoncé Midnight HeatWear this if your favorite American city is New Orleans. Wear this if your favorite European city isn't a city, but is instead the Greek island of Mykonos. Wear this if you think a cruise is the best vacation. Wear this if you love a convertible. Wear this if you own one of those "KALE" sweatshirts. Wear this if you could wear four straight days of monochromatic purple outfits without even struggling to plan that hard. Wear this if you have the kind of home that's always ready for people to come over. Wear this if you've had a loved one surprise you with a bed covered in rose petals. Wear this if you know you deserve all the love in the world, and more.
Smells like: orchid, plum, sandalwood, and star fruit
Rihanna Reb'l FleurWear this if you can walk on any surface on Earth in the highest heels possible without missing a step. Wear this if you can't quite wink, but look impossibly beautiful while faking it. Wear this if you always have people telling you how good you smell even if you're not wearing anything at all. Wear this if your favorite state of being is not wearing anything at all. Wear this if you're not just a beach person, but you're an island person; you want to be fully immersed in the water at all time. Wear this if you're a Pisces. Wear this if you used to imagine you lived inside a rose blossom when you were little. Wear this if you're not afraid to walk out of a restaurant holding a wine glass.
Smells like: tuberose, violet, and warm skin
Lady Gaga FameWear this if you don't have time for irony. Wear this if you have more ambition than anyone you ever met. Wear this if you're blonde—for now. Wear this if you're dating a painter. Wear this if you are a painter. Wear this if you took piano lessons growing up. Wear this if you go weeks wearing all black and then suddenly never want to take off your new pink leather jacket. Wear this if the flower you most relate to is the corpse flower. Wear this if the animal you most want to be is the lynx. Wear this if you keep a rotary phone in your home just because.
Smells like: incense, Belladonna, jasmine, and apricot