game of thrones couples ranked: homophobic zealots galore!

    and everyone is on a boat

    by · May 04, 2015
    This season is about journeys—the journey to battle, the journey to Essos, the journey to retaking the north. Everyone has a destination, and with the land of GoT larger than it has ever been, characters are finding some pretty strange bedfellows. So instead of a traditional recap, we are going to do a ranking of power couples, those duos who are now traversing the realm in pairs. Since it’s not just the staggering surprises, but the dynamic dialogue. Each week, we are rank each pair to see who will win—and what crazy depths they’ll go to—for the game of thrones.
    Last recap: 5.3, High Sparrow

    Hello readers, come close to your screens, and let us all embrace each other. Because, for the first time in the five seasons of Thrones, I’m unsure where we are headed and I cannot comfort you all in the middle of the night by telling you who will live and who will die. Last night’s big death was not written in the book—in fact, Barristan Selmy’s role only grew in book five, as he became clearly Dany’s most loyal supporter. But let us take the old Star Wars paradigm; there is no better way to galvanize a force than to kill off the mentor.

    It’s hard to say how many of these changes are distractions or short cuts, and now, since we are all caught up, non-book readers can be clued in that the Sand Snakes are given a much larger role this season, since Prince Doran locks them up so they won’t do exactly what they planned last night. Instead, in the book, the pro-sex, pro-woman country of Dorne had some grand (but not cruel) plans for Marcella. Now, however, she seems a bit like a prize to be won. Not going to lie: I’m a little scared for her. Hell, I’m a little scared for me.

    tyrion lannister and jorah mormont

    Last week: 6
    As sad as we are to see the witty and biting Spider momentarily taken out of the picture, the pairing of Tyrion and Jorah is particularly interesting. Jorah isn’t exactly smart, flashy, talkative, or cognizant of the big picture: All of the things that make Tyrion who he is. These two come to blows quickly—and literally—when Tyrion calls Jorah on his shit by saying Dany is just as likely to torch him with dragon breath as she is to pardon him. Basically, this is one boat ride we should all be on. + 1 for Tyrion Sherlock Holmes-ing the identity of Jorah+ 3 “You think Daenerys will execute me and pardon you? I’d say the reverse is just as likely.”Total: 4New total: 10

    sansa stark and petyr baelish

    Last week: 11
    While not much happened with this power couple in terms of points, I want you to be very clear on Littlefinger’s exposition: It is important. He talks to Sansa about her aunt, Lyanna Stark, who was inadvertently responsible for “tens of thousands of deaths.” During a great tournament, Rhaegar Targaryen and Barristan Selmy (yes, Dany’s Barristan Selmy—it’s all connected) were the last two knights standing, and when Rhaegar finally won, he rode past his own wife, the Dornish Elia Martell, to Lyanna, enraging her betrothed Robert Baratheon (Cersei’s dead husband) and then leading to her being kidnapped/whisked away (depending on which side of the story you believe). Expositions. You needs them. + 1 DID YOU HEAR LITTLEFINGER’S STORY? PAY ATTENTION, KIDS.- 3 Eww, that creepy kiss was creepy. Total: -2New Total: 9

    brienne and podrick

    Last week: 9Negative one million to all the Seven Kingdoms for not giving us that sweet sweet Prienne love!Total: 0New total: 9

    stannis baratheon and melisandre

    Last week: 5
    Congratulations, Game Of Thrones show-runners: You’ve done it. You’ve actually managed to take one of the most snoozy storylines and make it rather compelling, effectively selling us on the fact that Stannis is a character worth watching, especially as he makes his ascension towards Winterfell. While the battle for Winterfell will probably be a few episodes off, Stannis is shoring up his armies and thinking strategically—showing potential to be a true king. But, and this is just *said in Jaqen H’ghar’s voice* a girl’s opinion: Worthy kings don’t have an easy time making it onto the Iron Throne. + 2 for Stannis agreeing to listen to witchy Melisandre instead of leaving her behind (i.e. Battle Of Blackwater) - 1 since Melisandre doesn’t seem to know that a woman’s heart is not located in her breast +2 for the show taking Melisandre’s fascination with Jon from the book and really taking it to the next level+ 5 Stannis’ speech to Shireen about how much he loves herTotal: 6New total: 12

    jon snow and samwell tarly

    Last week: 17
    While our girl Sansa is hoping to bring some serious pain to those who wronged her, we have Jon Snow up in the north hemming and hawing about whether he should avenge his family and help right the wrongs the realm has faced (at least, from his perspective). Davos Seaworth knows it, Stannis knows it, Sam knows it, and even Melisandre knows it, and wants to show it to Jon by taking off all of her clothes and trying to seduce him. It doesn’t work, but she sends him a zinger as she leaves, demonstrating her true spooky power. Turning around, she stares at Jon and promptly admonishes, “You know nothing.” Spoooky noises!- 4 Quick poll: Who thinks Jon isn’t a crazy person for sticking to his vows and not giving those flaying Boltons a what-for? No one? Right? Because eff your vows, JS.+ 2 for turning down Melisandre. Wouldn’t want your crazy shadow baby running around killing people, now would we?Total: -2New total: 15

    jaime lannister and bronn

    Last week: -4 In the books, Martin writes Bronn off as a sell sword who sold his sword to Cersei and ends up exiling himself from King’s Landing politics, and that’s that. Fortunately, the show realizes that they have a truly great character here, and have instead given him the “no shit” sensibility that so many Westerosi residents lack. He points out to Jaime that they are very actually the two least qualified people to be rescuing a princess, and the kidnapping of said princess is very likely to set off a large war. But Jaime says, no, of course, it must be him, because he isn’t just rescuing his daughter—he is trying to win back the love of Cersei. Which is like winning back the venom from a snake bite, but, hey. Hearts are fickle things. + 3 Jaime just realizes that his stupid metal hand could be used as an, um, shield + 2 For Bronn being Bronn - 2 Though, being Bronn doesn’t save him (and Jaime) from being the two worst liars this side of the Narrow Sea - 4 For Jaime’s naive adamance that money will protect him from everything +1 While things seem pretty bleak for these two ruffians, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say both the showrunners and George R.R. Martin really like Jaime, despite his incest and child-throwing tendencies. Killing Barristan is one thing, as Barristan was never a point of view character, but Jaime is a true artery of Game Of Thrones. I don’t think the death knell is ringing for him yet. Total: 0New total: -4
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    Last updated: 2015-05-04T12:46:15-04:00
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