Sorry Haters, But There’s Only One Type Of Cookie We’ll Eat This Holiday

Keep your stale, iced abominations

Dear Holiday Cookies,

What. The. [Redacted].

I don't know what it is about you, but you are not good the way that cookies are supposed to be good. Cookies are meant to be soft and doughy on the inside and perfectly crusted on the outside. You are not these things. You? You're hard everywhere and taste like old bread. Why aren't you sweet? Why are you just stale?

Every time there's a holiday party, someone inevitably brings a plate of you to share. Sure, icing is lovely to look at, and I appreciate the time put into the decoration, but underneath, you're a hot mess of blah. It pains me to open my mouth and bite down on you because I know, deep down, I will be left unsatisfied, filled but unfulfilled. You are the clickbait of cookies, the candy corn of the holidays.

Now, you're probably wondering what happened in my past to elicit such a public (and bitter) letter. Was I a victim of food poisoning by holiday cookie? Did a relationship of mine crumble over your crumbly ancestors? Has my pride been tarnished by my inability to bake a good batch of you? No. Never. I would most likely end a relationship with someone if they ever tried to push their holiday cookie agenda on me because you, dear biscuits, are simply too simple. I want more out of you. I want flavor. I want melt-in-your-mouth texture. I want to finish eating one of you and crave another. As it stands right now, you are none of that. Despite all your colors, you are boring, and mama does not like boring.

What mama does like are toffee cookies. You haven't lived until you've had one (or four) fresh out the oven. When the centers are just right after a minute or two, heaven exists on earth. Toffee cookies don't need any frosting to spice them up. They don't even look like something worth framing—which, yes, I have encountered a holiday cookie or two in my time that may as well be a work of art. But I want a cookie I can eat, not one I can admire. 

So, dear holiday cookies, I will save all of you for my friends and family members who do, truly, enjoy you. And good for them. But for me? It's toffee all the way.