why you need hormone horoscopes

this app is life-changing

by ari seigel

You know how, throughout the month, you find yourself feeling unexpectedly sad and forlorn? Maybe a giant wave of “terrible” overtakes you, or you’re suddenly a ravenous lady-beast of hunger and you just don’t know why?

Thankfully, it’s not you. Well, it is you, but it’s really your rising and falling estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone levels taking over your body. Also it's because you're shedding an entire egg out of your vagina. Every. Month.

I’m not a scientist and I do not have any real science-skills. I’ll tell you what I do have, though: Hormone Horoscope, an incredible app now available for iPhone and Android. And let me tell you, it’s transforming the way I look at my bod and its connection to my moods and general wellbeing.

Hormone Horoscope combines my two favorite things: Using my body as an excuse to not do stuff and daily horoscopes. So grab a heating pad, a cup of whiskey, and let me walk you through how this thing works.

Step 1: Get the app. It’s free, so no excuses.

Step 2: Enter the number of days in your cycle. If you’re unsure, the Hormone Horoscope will set an average for you.

Step 3: Enter what day you’re on in your cycle. The first day of your last period is Day One and you can count from there.

Step 4: Set a daily reminder. I like to set mine for the morning, so I can start my day knowing how I can expect to feel.

Step 5: Read your horoscope! The app includes your “Horoscope,” a “Make Today Better” section, and a “Fun Fact” (‘cuz why not!). Let’s use mine as an example; I’m at day 26 so Flo is just around the corner. Get ready, boys!

Hormone Horoscope:

“You might be a bit absent-minded today due to plunging estrogen, which can have you feeling forgetful. This hormone might also make you achey or like you’re coming down with a cold. During your premenstrual phase, you’ll want to stick to staying home or in comfortable, home-y locations.”

That is pretty much exactly how I feel. Good job!

Make Today Better:

“You might be feeling some premenstrual negativity.” (YUP.) “Make things better by lighting a scented candle. Research shows this can have a real relaxing effect on the brain.”

Will do!

Fun Fact: “Lessen your dreaded menstrual cramps by taking Advil, fish oil, or vitamin E!”


The Final Verdict? Real talk—I deal with horrific cramps, as I’m sure many of you do, and they always catch me by surprise. This app let’s me know when to expect those bad boys and gives me some time to mentally and physically prepare. Also, I get super depressed in the days leading up to my period. I start questioning my life choices big time and generally ask too much of the classic, “But why am I here in the Universe?” Hormone Horoscope let’s me know everything’s gonna be okay and that my sadness is just my pesky hormones doing their pesky hormone thing.

And lastly, a huge shoutout to my homegirl for demanding I get this app. So I will now do the same for you, ladies of the Internet: Run, do not walk, to download this thing. It will 100 percent make your life better. Did I mention it’s totally free? It’s free, friends.