Illustrated by Jihyang Lim


The Best Drinking Game For This Year’s Oscars

Bottoms up

Here's the thing about watching the Oscars: Mostly it's very boring. Oh, sure, it's amazing to see what everyone's wearing, and I think we're all looking forward to Mahershala Ali's acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor for Moonlight, because a) he deserves it and b) it's bound to be smart and topical and c) we hope it'll be the beginning of a Moonlight sweep (hey, we can dream, right?), but beyond that there will be a lot of awkward banter to sit through. Sound editing awards are great and everything for the winners, but don't really do much for us civilians who are just in it to see if Moonlight can really win it all. (Please! Let that happen!)

All of which is to say, it's going to be a long night, so we might as well have something fun to serve as an accompaniment for all those boring moments. So how about a drinking game? Below are our list of the times when you should maybe, probably take a quick sip of your beverage of choice. And while we will probably be drinking alcohol, you don't need to do that in order to enjoy a drinking game. You can drink... water! And stay really hydrated. Or coffee! And be really caffeinated. Or whatever you want. The important thing is to have some kind of game to play, so that this whole thing is much less boring. So, bottoms up! And let the best movie win. (Like, please: Let it! Moonlight is really, really good.)

Drink when:

1) Some dumb person says "hidden fences" instead of Fences or Hidden Figures.

2) Chrissy Teigen either makes an instantly meme-able face or tweets something hilarious and perfect.

3) Meryl Streep is on camera (this will probably happen several times during the opening monologue alone, so take small sips on this one).

4) Host Jimmy Kimmel says something meant to be funny that lands with an absolute thud.

5) Whenever an award presenter is funnier than the host.

6) Things get political.

7) Someone imitates Winona Ryder at the 2017 SAG Awards.

8) Every time Moonlight should win an award (whether or not it actually does).

9) Every time Emma Stone or Ryan Gosling act bashful and like they don't actually deserve all the accolades they receive.

10) When Ryan Gosling refers to Eva Mendes as his "lady."

11) Every time you feel deeply touched during Viola Davis’ acceptance speech. 

12) Whenever someone says something that you just know will inspire a Donald Trump tweet storm on Monday morning.

13) When it's finally, finally over. Because you deserve it.