What Kind Of Fuckboi Are You Dating?

    a comprehensive guide

    by · July 27, 2015

    Illustrated by Liz Riccardi

    We’ve all been there, haven’t we? You’re visiting your parents in Florida or get a little too tipsy and swipe right on some harmless-looking skateboarder, and before you know it, you’re knee-deep in a codependent relationship with a seemingly populous breed of creature known as a fuckboi (alternative spelling includes “fuccboi,” “fukboy”).

    Fuckbois may be hard to detect in the beginning stages of a relationship. But you may be able to determine if he is a fuckboi if symptoms include fronting, ducking, creeping, and ghosting. However, if it is not treated early on, you may experience public embarrassment, crippling financial debt due to enabling a sneaker addiction, and exhausting durational DJ sets.

    Urban Dictionary—a.k.a., Millennials’ Encyclopedia Britannica—defines the fuckboi as: “A bitch-ass basic boy that does stupid shit just to get a reaction out of people.” Julianne Escobedo Shephard calls them “aspirational, but basic.” Fuckbois usually think that they are cool or suave, but mostly they just intend to inhabit a cultural identity that they may never achieve. Generally, fuckbois all have the same motives: To occupy time and space with the sole output being “hype.” However, there are subcategories of fuckboi that determine the style in which the fuckboi chooses to disrespect the world around them. The following list highlights only a few categories of fuckboi; however, it may help you diagnose and identify whether or not you have indeed contracted a fuckboi boyfriend.

    Illustration by Liz Riccardi

    The Macktivist Fuckboy

    This idiot heard it was cool to be aware of “The issues,” yet is morbidly misguided and is ultimately self-serving in the things he chooses to valiantly reblog.

    • He talks about respecting women, but excessively uses the eggplant Emoji on Suicide Girls’ Instagram posts
    • He freaks out because he thinks your gay male friends are hitting on him, but he thinks lesbians are “hot”
    • He says he identifies with the black struggle, yet tells you to go back to Tumblr when you mention anything about “privilege”
    • He never goes down on you but has an entire mixtape devoted to “eating booty”
    • He loves going to strip clubs but gets uncomfortable when you want to go topless at the beach
    • He speaks extensively about his tough upbringing, neglecting to mention it was at a Connecticut private school

    Illustration by Liz Riccardi

    The Manboi Fuckboy

    This fuckboy somehow simultaneously is a complete mama’s boy, yet disrespects all women including his mother who supports him financially.

    • He has more moldy takeout containers in his loft than his plays on the last song he “dropped” on Soundcloud
    • He forgot to pick you up from the airport because he was in line all night buying the new Jordan sneakers
    • His bathroom is always mysteriously void of toilet paper and toothpaste
    • He justifies never doing laundry because all the stuff he wears will just go out of style in a month, anyways
    • He’s 25 and has never done his taxes
    • He doesn’t have sheets on his bed because they’re being used as curtains
    • Losing his wallet before he’s supposed to take you out on a date has become an oddly recurring pattern

    Illustration by Liz Riccardi

    The Soundcloud Fuckboi

    This guy claims to have been “grinding for years” on the music scene...yet still no one’s heard of him.

    • He doesn’t tell his parents that the “charity” he works for is crowdfunding his buddies’ mixtape so they won’t cut him off
    • He Tweets that he’s in “the studio” when he’s actually playing GTA 5 on your living room floor
    • He has uttered the phrase, “Mixtape on fire”
    • He is listening to his own song on the subway without headphones, volume all the way up, and his right hand in the air
    • He champions “real musicianship,” yet can’t play any instruments

    Illustration by Liz Riccardi

    The Insta-Fuckboi

    This fuckboi’s Instagram handle is something like “thotfever420,” and his avatar is a photo of him holding a stack of money that doesn’t belong to him.

    • He regularly posts a photos of the both of you when only he looks good, but he throws a tantrum and untags himself from photos that makes him look “soft”
    • He takes more selfies than you do
    • He constantly begs you for nudes and mysteriously never checks his extremely full Snapchat inbox while you’re around
    • He once posted a photo of an infected zit on his neck, claimed it was a hickey and that he was “gettin it”
    • He insists his style has always been the same, but somehow pictures of him before 2013 simply don’t exist
    • He is constantly on his phone, but barely responds to your texts

    Illustration by Liz Riccardi

    The Gallery-Opening Fuckboi

    This is the fuckboi who fronts that he is cultured and worldly in order to appear justified in devoting literally all his time on Tumblr

    • He is an “artist” but thinks Mark Rothko was the guy who invented Facebook
    • He thinks he’s an established writer because he’s a top commenter on Reddit
    • He goes to a gallery shows specifically to mack on women and get “turnt” for free
    • He claims to have run with Dash Snow, even though he would have been 11 when he died
    • He thinks quinoa is an Italian DJ
    Tags: culture, radar, relationships
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    Last updated: 2016-05-15T20:06:34-04:00
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