Listen, I watch it, you watch it, we've all watched it rapt with attention and welling with tears, anybody who claims differently is probably someone I don't want to know very well. If you haven't guessed by now, I'm talking about Grey's Anatomy, our Jane Austen of TVland, an epic that sprawls over a decade connecting generations of love addicts. I like to keep it casual and refer to the show as “my old friends over in Shondaland." Being friends with fictional characters for so long has definitely inspired some astrological pondering in me, how could it not? Today, I will take the risk to not only proclaim my probably uncool and yet very deep devotion to Grey's Anatomy (the kind of devotion that just won't quit no matter how many people die in plane crashes), but also venture to guess at their Sun, Rising, and Moon signs.
Meredith Grey: Capricorn, Scorpio Rising, Leo Moon
You might have thought I would save Mer for last, but I know why you’re here and I'm the kind of girl that likes to get to the point, meander, and then return to the point for some further pointing. All good fans know that Meredith likes to describe herself as “darky and twisty,” and it’s true that there’s something shadowy and guarded about our unlikely heroine. She’s the kind of girl you’ve got to win over, even if you’re already fucking her. What we recognize as we come closer is Meredith's role as a catalyst; she changes people, she gives them a home and shows them what it means to do their work. That’s why Scorpio feels apt for a surface built upon some strong Capricorn bones, the kind of bones that recognize darkness and fill that darkness up with seeds for new growth. And finally, because I’ve got to round her out, I offer up the possibility of a Leo Moon. Proud and generous, with lots of children (and adults who act like children), Meredith aims for the top in everything she does, but she’s not going up without bringing everyone she loves up with her.
Miranda Bailey: Taurus, Cancer Rising, Virgo Moon
Here’s the thing everyone has got to remember about Miranda Bailey: She is overqualified and undervalued. People act like she didn’t train all these doctors, like half these clowns would be as accomplished as they are without her steadfast supervision. It’s a good thing Miranda Bailey knows who the fuck she is the way only a Taurus could; otherwise, we’d have a real dour character on our hands. Meanwhile, Miranda manages to show up and show out not only in the operating room but in the crumbling lives of all her crybaby friends for an hour or two of empathic counseling (that’s her Cancer rising trying to offer up some empathy before receding back in the shell of her Earthy Truth). At her core, Miranda loves to maintain order and inspiring dedication, and that’s what makes her Virgo Moon so evident. Well, that and the fact that she invented a rectal access port for colonoscopies called the Trail-blazer.
Richard Weber: Leo, Pisces Rising, Cancer Moon
Listen, I’m still trying to figure Unlikely Dad Weber out. It’s clear that he likes it when a woman is in charge, so long as he doesn’t have to FEEL like she’s in charge—ya know? Look at the women who make up his landscape: Ellis Grey, Catherine Avery, and, in various ways, Meredith Grey and Miranda Bailey. Still, Richard serves as a strong Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace/Gray-Sloan for at least a decade, and that’s Leo placement. He can’t even handle it when the outdated teaching hospital protocol he put into place a long-ass time ago requires updating, pouting and huffing like it’s personal, and that’s some Pisces take-everything-personally rising on the Leo Horizon type shit. Nevertheless, Richard Weber offers kindly if not tacit care to everyone who turns to him for advice (that must feel so nice), or anyone who turns out to be his daughter, and I get really Cancer Moon feels from that secret mush behavior.
Alex Karev: Aries, Aries Rising, Pisces Moon
Ah, Karev, king of raging toddlers and protector of babies, who could he be but an Aries? In fact, I feel like Karev is so Aries, he’s got to be an Aries rising, too—driven to do whatever he feels is right and unbothered by how many feathers he ruffles along the way. Karev is all action, all duty, all smolder, but once he loves you, he will protect you at all costs. Aries is ruled by Mars, God of War, and Karev is ready to go to war for Izzy (I know), Jo, Meredith, Arizona, and all children everywhere. Karev, apparently, lives to serve women and resents it, a residual effect of having to be his mother’s mother. Truth is, at the core, Karev’s got an infinite amount of love to offer—the kind of love a Pisces Moon is born with and spends the rest of their life protecting from misuse. It’s a good thing he found his way to Grey-Sloan, the place his heart would find its salve and salvation.
Jo Wilson: Scorpio, Gemini Rising, Aries Moon
Jo Wilson is a little inscrutable, okay? No one knows what she feels or why she feels it, but we do know that: (a) she’s really into men with lots of trauma and (b) she’ll collect your secrets and then stab you in the back with them if she feels threatened (see: that racist bullshit she pulled on Dr. Edwards). That’s substantial Scorpio behavior with a dash of Gemini rising intrigue: How will the information be collected? When will it be revealed? Who will start the fight and who will act like they are your best friend tomorrow? Scorpio mixed with Gemini is Death + Lovers and that = the Devil card in action. No wonder Wilson and Karev wind up fucking next to a dead person in a spooky closet on their wedding. Lucky for all of us but especially Karev, Wilson’s definitely got an idealistic heart ruled by her moon in Aries. That means, no matter how many times you begin an episode thinking, What the fuck is happening? you’ll end it with, Aw, she really meant well, she’s just doesn’t know how to act.
Callie Torres: Virgo, Sagittarius Rising, Capricorn Moon
You think just because Callie is no longer on the show and is now playing a very sexy butch on Madam Secretary I’m not going to include her in this roundup? LOL, that’s exactly why I’ll never let Callie go. It’s a good thing, then, that I have it under good authority that Callie is not about to let me go either—not with her service top Virgo self, slathered like icing with a charming Sagittarius rising. You ever know a Sagittarius that’s cut off all ties (emotional, material) with all their exes? Me neither. Lucky us and unlucky Arizona, who’s got to watch the mother of her child run off when the mood strikes her cuz she’s free to do what she wants to do. Plus, she’s got to have a Capricorn Moon since Callie is the queen of skeletal structure and a secret irreverent slut with righteous anger that manifests in severed ties and unresolved grudges.
Arizona Robbins: Sagittarius, Leo Rising, Libra Moon
Arizona, Arizona, unsuspecting light of my life, rode in on roller skates and rode out with my heart in her hands. It’s clear to me Arizona is a Sagittarius, talking a mile a minute and saying very little about what she feels to the person she feels it about. She’s charming and playful and makes a lot of bad decisions when she’s drunk, which is her go-to problem-solving technique. When Callie asks Arizona for names of all the women she slept with, and Arizona begins by casually identifying half the women in the cafeteria, that’s some playful Sagittarius Sun slutty Libra Moon type shit. But, her Libra Moon isn’t all sleeping with emotionally fragile interns, it’s also her dedication to justice. You’ll have a hard time missing Arizona in any episode where someone is needed to stand up for someone else. You’ll also have a hard time missing her bouncy perfect Leo rising mane or the attitude that it comes with, walking proudly in and out of rooms quipping, “I’m right because I’m awesome.”
Owen Hunt: Cancer, Scorpio Rising, Scorpio Moon
If I’m being honest, I don’t care about Owen. I mean, Owen wouldn’t even EXIST to me if not for Cristina Yang, and since SHONDA thought it was okay to let Cristina go, it’s a little tough to hold on to any interest in Ginger Daddy. Still, I must admit that Owen is a good man, the kind of man that probably wouldn’t disappoint Salt-N-Pepa (see: “Whatta man”). Sure, the war-induced PTSD is harrowing and sure, he just won’t let Teddy Altman out of his side pocket but what else can you expect from a Cancer man with a Scorpio Moon? He wants to be a family man, but his whole sex life is an erratic moody mood with deep possessive undertones. You’d think he could keep his shadowy shit secret but that Scorpio rising really is a bat signal for girls who want someone to teach them how to feel every feeling they’ve ever run away from.
Amelia Shepherd: Aquarius, Pisces Rising, Aquarius Moon
Amelia Shepherd is an Aquarius, and we all know it. She’s always showing up hella bubbly in bad situations, looking confused like, “What is feelings? How can I relate, appeal to me?” You might dissent and point to all her pouty faces, her addiction issues, her emotional eruptions that only seem to affect Meredith, and to that I will gladly nod and think, Yep, Pisces rising. Amelia is really good at acting like she’s taking something personally that’s not about her at all when in reality she’s already moved on and thinking about her next brain surgery. That’s right, brain surgery, because Aquarians love brains—toying with them, figuring them out, hiding behind them when any emotional wave hits too strong. Amelia has got to be an Aquarius Moon, too, she’s just gotta. Only an idealistic weirdo kinkster moon like that would set Amelia up to leave Owen, because she doesn’t want kids, and then have her move in with him to sponsor a teenage addict and her newborn child.
Maggie Pierce: Pisces, Aries Rising, Capricorn Moon
No one gets Maggie, okay? Not even Maggie gets Maggie or why she feels all the things she’s always feeling, and that’s why she’s a Pisces. Maggie always doing way too much while feeling underestimated even though she’s already the head of Cardio. She means to prove she’s the best with lots of risky heart surgeries that she knows are sure bets in her hands, and that’s some Aries rising activity. You know what else is totally Aries rising of her? Charming some good-looking-ass dudes while being awkward as hell and starting self-righteous fights for no reason whatsoever. She’s always like, “Everyone treats me like a child,” and we’re all like, “Well, you’re acting like a child, so...” It’s not her fault, it’s hard to be an Aries rising and a Capricorn Moon. She might come off petulant, but she’s secretly a grandma. How else do you explain the Capricorn Moon fuddy-duddy that rising in the morning from the slutty bed her Pisces Sun, Aries rising made for her the night before?
April Kepner: Libra, Gemini Rising, Sagittarius Moon
April Kepner is a fastball. You think you’re gonna hate her, and you do hate her a little (WHO WHO LEAVES JACKSON AVERY? HAVE YOU LOOKED AT HIM?), but then you see her in a hospital bed inches from death, and you’re crying like a freaking baby. No one wants to lose Kepner. She’s smart—like, can run a trauma center and then a whole hospital smart; the kind of range-y mutable information-absorbing intelligence a Gemini rising thrives in. But, despite that spark of crazy in her eye, April is no Gemini. Nobody can make April do anything that goes against her faith. She’s got a subtle power, a drive that seeks truth and reason in all things, and that’s Libra Sun with a Sagittarius Moon territory. At her best, she’s the voice of reason and a spiritual seeker, but when her faith is tested—honey, watch out. The underside of a Sun-Moon combo like that is all substance abuse and indiscriminate sexual exploits. Still, that Gemini rising makes dark April seems like a completely natural part of the Kepner experience, so natural in fact that all it takes is a one-night stand with known douche bag Koracick and the death of a molting-yet-at-peace Rabbi for her to wake up refreshed with Jesus firmly back in her heart.
Jackson Avery: Leo, Libra Rising, Gemini Moon
I can’t help it, I’m a lesbian who loves Jackson Avery. Could it be because Jackson is one of the most lesbian characters on the show? Let’s examine: (1) he looks really good with a shaved head, (2) is bad at emotional commitment yet, clearly, a serial monogamist, (3) his closest friends are his exes, all his exes are friends (except Edwards, who was done with the bullshit before it even started). Oh, wait, he’s probably also a Leo with a Libra rising—all “marry me,” but he’s got at least two dates waiting in the wings if it doesn’t work out. Plus, plastic surgeon but with a righteous spin on it. Plus, flirts with his eyes but doesn’t want it if it’s too easy. Plus, mad rich but wants to make meaning of his legacy. Leo wants to shine, but Libra rising wants to shine elegantly and with the illusion of an even playing field (see: anonymous donor for a competition he wants to compete in). It would all go swimmingly for Jackson but that Gemini Moon has got him fucked up when he’s trying to do right. First of all, nothing like some Gemini in a man’s chart to make him a reluctant mama’s boy. Second, wouldn’t have so many heartbreaks if he didn’t spend so much time trying to rationalize what he feels rather than admit that he’s a Sensitive Sam who just wants to be your No. 1 baby.
Okay so, I gave you all 12 signs even though we all know it’s highly improbable that a cast of characters, or a group of doctors, will represent all 12 signs rather than clusters of signs that speak to the general biases of the hiring committee. Still, I can’t leave until I honor Our Lady of Bittersweet Passion, the inimitable Cristina Yang.
Cristina Yang: Scorpio, Taurus Rising, Aquarius Moon
Cristina, I missssss you. Cristina, you might be Meredith’s person, but you’re my person, too. Cristina, you’ve got to be a Scorpio because, when Meredith is with you, her Scorpio rising appears like a knife between both of your palms, and the blood that spills from its slits is a mixture of devotion and cutthroat loyalty. Plus, you’re slutty and sensuous as fuck but in an earthy Taurus rising kind of way. That Scorpio Sun, Taurus rising gifts you with a side eye that’s got people doing backflips just to prove they can sit with you. You’re suspicious, you disapprove, and if you’re gonna offer your endless well of love, you mean to offer it to those who are worthy. A Taurus is concerned with her dignity and she’s not about to let you know how much she mourns her father unless she respects you, okay? With an Aquarius Moon in the mix, there’s not one mutable thing about you. You’re fixed and you intend to do things your way. Thank goodness Aquarian energy is interested in innovation and risk for the greater good; otherwise, you’d only be an accomplished surgeon rather than a groundbreaking one. Sure, that Aquarius Moon keeps getting you into bed with men you idealize but who aren’t worth your salt and sure, there’s a windy vent where the walls are soaked with your secret tears but no worries. A Scorpio like you knows how to start over, time and time again, without ever forgetting what you’re here to do.