New Zealand singer, Lorde performs during her concert at the Corona Capital Music Festival in Mexico City, on November 17, 2018. (Photo by CLAUDIO CRUZ / AFP)        (Photo credit should read CLAUDIO CRUZ/AFP via Getty Images)
CLAUDIO CRUZ/AFP/Getty Images

Culture

Finally, Lorde Songs As The Zodiac Signs

The signs are high on solar power and going full melodrama.

Lorde is a textbook Scorpio. She’s private as hell, feels everything with an earth-shattering intensity, and is hard to track down. The girl barely exists online — if you need her, the closest you can get is through her niche Instagram in which she infrequently reviews onion rings. Otherwise, good luck!

Her forthcoming album, which was inspired by a trip to Antarctica (traveling to an isolated, frozen continent known for its terrifying beauty? That’s Scorpio, baby!) could drop any day now. The world is waiting with bated breath — and memeing its way through single leaks — to get a first listen, and then subsequently cry their eyes out. Until then, there’s a new coping mechanism in town: categorizing Lorde songs as the astrological signs. Lorde may be a Scorpio through and through, but the other signs can have some fun as well.

Aries - “Team”

As the first cardinal sign of the zodiac, and a fire sign at that, Aries lives to be a leader. Aries probably hears the lyric “We sure know how to run things” and thinks, That’s me! Plus, there’s the whole annoyance of hating being told what to do. Are you telling an Aries to put their hands up in the air when they’re very clearly over it? Have fun with that!

Taurus - “Writer In The Dark”

If there’s any sign who will hold a lifelong grudge against someone out of pure spite, it’s Taurus. This stubborn, fixed sign remembers every grievance against them, ever. You may be dead to a Taurus, but know that they’ll still “play and sing and lock you in [their] heart.” Once they choose someone who meets all their impossibly high standards, they’re essentially betting on them for life. “I'll love you 'til you call the cops on me,” could very easily come out of a lovelorn Taurus’ mouth.

Gemini - “Tennis Court”

“Tennis Court” has all the core tenets of being a Gemini: being bored of people acting like try-hards, chasing the approximately one million things they want in life, and gossiping with their friends. As a mutable air sign, Gemini can morph to almost any situation, which is probably why they get labeled as being “two-faced.” It’s called being adaptable, babe! It’s called going down to the tennis court and talking it up like “Yeah!”

Cancer - “Supercut”

Oh, nostalgia. Cancers thrive off that sh*t! This water sign is always playing their very own supercut of the past in their brain on loop. They’re famously moody and emotional, which makes them the constant butt of astrology jokes (when people are bored of making fun of Geminis, of course). Cancers simply just don’t get why. You can almost hear them saying, “In my head I do everything right!” even when reality is a completely different story.

Leo - “Solar Power”

Leos have a bad reputation for being self-obsessed, but it’s not their fault that they’re so entertaining and lovable. They’re a fire sign that’s ruled by the sun — being the center of attention is part of the territory. A flirty, infectious song with “solar” in the title about living, laughing, and loving on the beach obviously belongs to Leo. Plus, there’s nothing more Leo than singing “I’m kind of like a prettier Jesus.”

Virgo - “Royals”

Before you come at me about how “Royals” is about Leos, just know I don’t care, and that you’re wrong. As the critical and analytic faction of the zodiac, Virgos sometimes tend to come off as judgmental. Maybe they hate the way all songs sound the same. Do you think they care about Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece, jet planes, islands, or tigers on a gold leash? Hell no! They’re after something different type of luxury, and that’s being in control and bossing everyone in their life around.

Libra - “Green Light”

Libra is driven by all things love and beauty. Ruled by Venus, Libras are all about harmony and balance, which is why their glyph is conveniently the scale. Libra might not want to cause a scene, but rest assured this sign can and will find new, creative ways to ruin your life if you cross them. You think you’re going to lie about loving the beach and get away with it? Not on Libra’s watch! Once they get the titular “Green Light,” this air sign will find a way to get the truth out that’s so discreet and nonchalant it will make your head spin. And, honey, you better believe they’ll haunt you: “I'll be seein' you 'ever I go.”

Scorpio - “Hard Feelings/Loveless”

The intensity of Scorpio has its positives and negatives. This fixed water sign loves deeply and treats everyone in their life with profound care and respect. The other side of that coin, however, is that if you lose their trust, you will never in a million years get it back. The tenderness of “Hard Feelings” is Scorpio at its best, whereas as soon as “Loveless” kicks in, you know something demonic is about to go down. Nothing speaks more to the fury of Scorpio than: “Bet you wanna rip my heart out / Bet you wanna skip my calls now / Well, guess what? I'd like that / 'Cause I'm gonna mess your life up / Gonna wanna tape my mouth shut / Look out, lovers.” You’ve been adequately warned.

Sagittarius - “Perfect Places”

Sagittarius is the life of every party. This fire sign can be messy and glamorous — not many of you can say that! When a song opens with “Every night, I live and die / Feel the party to my bones,” you already know a Sagittarius is dancing with their drink held high and screaming along.

Capricorn - “Everybody Wants To Rule The World”

Listen, I know this from the Hunger Games: Catching Fire soundtrack, but the title is too spot-on to exclude. As a cardinal earth sign, Capricorns are driven, pragmatic types. They’re serious about what they love, whether it’s something creative and beneficial to those around them, or straight up world domination.

Aquarius - “The Louvre”

Scorpios may be one of the most secretive signs in astrology, but Aquarius gives them a run for their money. Aquarius doesn’t know you! Aquarius did not ask! Aquarius does not care! That’s all true, until they start to open themselves up to you, and then all bets are off. Aquarius is the definitive “psychopathic crush,” one that overthinks everything and demands nothing less than mutual obsession. Who cares if you’re sitting in hell as long as you’re together?

Pisces - “Liability”

I mean this is in the kindest way possible, but Pisces are the liabilities of the zodiac. Their emotions are expansive to a detriment, their sensitivities get in their own way, and their inability to function in reality can be debilitating. It’s overwhelming to feel everything at once! Plus, the song opens up with Lorde singing about having her feelings hurt and crying in taxi about it. I know some of you Pisces can relate a little too much to that.